Due to medical complications, i had not been able to participate in the marching contingent of the Chief Armour Officer Change of Command Parade held at Gedong on fri. however, as how the saf usually works, i still went in full gear and sat there waiting for everything to be over. 12 bloody hours spent in a cold LT with poor lighting (due to the pple inside dimming the lights to improve sleeping conditions) makes me an active troublemaker. after some scouting around, i confirmed my suspicion that army intelligence was simply the best oxymoron anyone had ever and could ever come up with.

and how do i support my stand?

A sign on the door of important rooms with restricted access.
"Out of bound to all rank except on offical duty"

pretty cool spelling and grammar dont you think?

and here's another one. PASTED on the wall of the LT.

"Reminders:
The users of the Lecture Theatre 1 are to ensure the following:
1. Littering is strictly prohibited.
2. Do not bring up the side table of the seat unnecessarily
3. No muddy or dirty boots are allowed.
4. Do not nail and PASTE any materials on the wall

By order RSM Signal Project Section"


Irregardless (a word that is most probably also invented by the army. totally contradictory. double negatives?!) of all these, i do admit that sometimes the army does leave people in awe of its prowess. i for one keep getting the shit awed out of me whenever there's an armour parade. and i guess that's my only motivation to serve.

Dont tell me your sad story

Sup folks. Here's another healthy dose of Army Lessons from your author.

Only have 2 spare hp batteries to last you for a week, but you still have to report for girlfriend duty everynight on the phone and at the same time throw insults via sms to the faggy retards that you call friends? And WHAT? ur girlfriend wont stop whining on the phone about that broken toe nail she got when she accidentally kicked the door frame hence depriving you of precious battery power?


Fret not. You have a couple of options. Tell her that she is stupid enough if she kicks the door frame and place ur hp faraway frm ur ears as she slams the phone on you, or you can do it the Army way.


gf: "My toe nail broke when i accidentally kicked the door frame today *whiny tone*"
you: "Oh dear. Dont tell me ur sad story..."

You still have to place ur hp faraway from ur ears, but at least you can blame ur commanders for imparting that phrase to you. Cheers.

Here's how we usually use it in the army.

Sgt: Why are u all late?
Soldier: Cause we need to clear our bunk's rubbish and...
Sgt: *cutting in impatiently* Dont tell me ur sad story lah. Whole lot knock it down!

I wonder, what's the point in asking us for the reason if he's not interested in the first place? Oh yes, in case you were wondering, you should just buy enough spare batteries to last you at least two weeks in camp. Or just bring a charger lah, just dont get caught or I will not listen to ur sad story dude.

Yes.

Unit life is damn slack. But that is because we havent gone to the outfield trainings yet. So, a few hours of extra sleep here and there everyday doesnt hurt does it? But of course basic discipline still applies and we're still fked when we try to smoke our way thru things.

Apart from our usual weapons training, I've been picking up alot of things about life from our commanders in camp. And my platoon mates are equally educational in their daily conversations. Here's why.

Commander (who had been enlightening us on the need to understand how our weapon works instead of memorising the facts by heart):

"The reason why it's so important for you to know, is because it's important!", all the while maintaining a matter-of-factly expression on his face. Good job!

---------------------------------------

During a lesson on detecting faults in our weapons...

Sergeant; "What's the sequence of actions to detect faults?"

Soldier: "First, check the last 2 ejaculated rounts."

*Everyone around the table bursts into uncontrollable laughter*

The correct answer was to check the last 2 ejected rounds. Gratz to the poor soldier. I wonder what he spends his free time doing.


----------------------------------------


Of course, our commanders also have many lessons about life to teach us, often in an indirect way. One such lesson was on the virtue of patience.

Sgt: "Wait lah! Be patient lah! Even f**k also need to take off clothes first right!??"

---------------------------------------

With that, i end this week's post on education in the army. And head back to camp to report for guard duty. dammit. And Randy, its ok we sit inside the tanks actually. and they are not really tanks. they are Bionix. Made in singapore ok! Advice to you. dont drink too much sea water, it will give u hypertension. =D cheers.

no.

hello, i am blogging from my bunk in OCS, and for everyone who still remembers my personal blog address, im re-updating that blog too during my free time in OCS! which means you can probably expect updates something on the order of 2 times every 3 months. wonder how my dear co-author is surviving in his armor regiment. here's a tip to u shifu, if u want to continue surviving, don't run in front of a moving tank. the tank will squish u. really. and you don't respawn in 30 or 40 seconds after waiting in limbo. neither will you be revived by weird medics running around shooting their teammates in the head so they can revive them and level up.

everyone in unit right now is telling me their life is damn slack, well, i have a damn long way more to go before my life becomes slack, if it does become slack at all. i miss my friends, and i miss that special someone. you know who you are! or maybe not, because i don't think wow characters are self-aware yet. just kidding.

my sense of humour is depreciating by the day, by the end of OCS, i will be this completely serious person who won't understand humour and will only laugh when people kick kittens or something. god forbid. kittens are just so cute. it is hugz time now!

On pragmatism.

While randy is having fun in OCS [aka Often Commit Suicide] with some of our friends, and while the others are enjoying themselves in SISPEC [aka Suffer In Silence Plus Extra Confinement], your author here had been posted to 41SAR [aka Suckthumb and Run] - 41st Bn Singapore Armoured Regiment to be an AI trooper. "Let's waste time, chasing tanks, around our land." excerpt from Chasing Tanks by Slow Petrol.


Anyway, back to track. Have you ever noticed that there are many ways to do a certain thing and its almost nearly always impossible to tell which way is the correct one? Take for example, studying. Realise that some people like to mug 24/7, some mug last minute, some mug on weekends, some mug in school, some mug at home. So many ways, and most of which work. So this proves that it doesnt matter how u do sth, as long as u do it well and do it right in the end at the same time enjoy doing so. That's pragmatism for u folks. So do what pleases you, for after all it's ur life and u better jolly well make sure u live it ur way. Because everybody dies in the end.

block leave

Your friendly author here has finally decided to get off his lazy butt and write an update for this blog which no 1 probably reads anymore! It's okay, we all do crazy things now and then. In fact, we probably do crazy things all the time and no 1 notices because they do it too, and nobody is ever conscious of the fact that they're crazy. for example, 22 grown men getting paid millions a week to chase a ball around on a field.

okay, down to business. first, yours truly and my co-author are no longer the lowest lifeforms in green uniforms. we are now the SECOND lowest lifeforms, which is a decent improvement. we are now supposed to be on leave, but we forgot to update for so long that we are now going back into the army after our leave is over. yours truly is off to start his career as a naval officer trainee, while our dear friend is off to be an armored infantry trooper! all the best to him, hopefully the tank doesn't squish him.

today, i had the best night's sleep in quite a while. i credit it to my spleen, because i have no idea what it does and it rarely gets any credit anyway. i am now full of energy and unable to sleep so i'll die tmr reporting to SAFTI MI, WARRIORS' HALL.

my parents are bugging me to get off the com though, and i have 0 creativity left in my brain processes after surviving 3 months on the "YOU DO WHAT I SAY" environment of tekong, so byebye for now, hope im funnier another time!

Someone: I'm hungry!!!
*pause*
What did i eat for lunch?
*pause pause*
*looks up to think*
OH i didnt eat anything.
*as i start to look amused*
Actually i ate vege. Chinese salad lorr.
*after some intense exchanges about chinese salads*
Oh i had 2 fish too! my grandfather cooked fish... and they were fishy!


So, as we can all see, Fish are fishy, and eating vege and fish means not eating anything. Will that someone please not read the above quotes and at the same time also not kill me. Thanks.

Army is the way of life. Dont believe me? ask britney. she shaved her head!

compulsion

after reading through our blog, i realize that sometimes my titles have no relation to the stuff inside the post.

sorry about the moment of irrelevance there. what i am actually here to blog about is the new, ingenious ways the army has come up with to make you do PT.

the SMS game!

take any phrase. for us we got the phrase "Passing Out Parade is in one month". then, do one pushup for A, one for B, one for C, until P, because P is the first letter you need to spell the phrase. then one pushup for A, the second letter in the phrase. Then one for A, one for B, one for C, one for D until S, the next letter in the phrase, and so on. Creative cruelty at its finest!

This can be varied by making people do a certain number of pushups, say twenty. and you do a pushup for o, a pushup for n, a pushup for e, a pushup for one, and so on until twenty.

the dips game!

assuming everyone knows what a dip is, and how tiring it is to hold a dip in position, if you don't know what a dip is, I suggest you ask any canoeist that you may know.

so, you have about 20 recruits holding the dip position, and your officer says, "I want all of you to spell out your JC/poly/uni name!" so while we are all holding the dip position, the first guy starts, and we only recover when the last guy ends. amazing how many people dont know how to spell junior college. variations of this can be tried, like "I want all of you to spell diarrhoea, BACKWARDS". also, any mistake in the spelling means you get to start all over again.

the stand by bed/area game.

i am still firmly convinced that a stand by bed/area is nothing more then an excuse for the commanders to make you do some PT. there is a standard template for how each bunk and cupboard and the area should look like, and a stand by area means your cupboard is closed, they just want to inspect the cleanliness of the bunk area, and a stand by bed means you open your cupboard for them to check the inside as well. any mistake, depending on your commander, you get some kind of punishment, ranging from 5 pushups to 15 pushups with 15 crunches. and there is always some kind of mistake, ranging from wrong shoe arrangement to unpolished boots to dust on the joints of the cupboard or stains on the window or a bird flying into your bunk when all of you are standing outside and shitting on the floor (no joke, true story).

anyway, I'm really tired now, so byebyes!

but before i leave, i need to comment on the tagboard.

nikia: hi im scared 2 hug my boyfreind
shifu: its ok. u can hug randy

hihi nikia, I accept hugs only if you're a girl, goodlooking, and know how to spell. you fail the third criteria, but I'm still willing to give you a chance and accept hugs still if your second attribute is overwhelmingly outstanding. don't ever say that i'm an unreasonable person. =)

and to my dear co-author, i am not in need of any advertising right now.

That's it. Yours truly has had enough of army commanders repeating their overly recycled insults. For the past 9 weeks, I've listened to the same insults like "Fuck you understand?" fly around, with no attempt at making creative enhancements to them.

Instead of saying "FUCK U UNDERSTAND?" everytime they raised their middle fingers, commanders should try the following line:

"You are the reason God created the middle finger."

To people who just wont keep their mouth shut despite polite warnings:
"I don't mind that you are talking as long as you don't mind that I'm not listening."

And if he still wont shut up, jz carry on whatever you are doing. When he finally shuts his trap, turn ur head towards him slowly and say: "you were saying?"

To the dumbass who always screws up whatever instructions given to him:
(when he is looking lost and in despair) "What's on your mind? *dramatic pause of several seconds* oh wait, i forgot you don't have one"

If he says "huh?"
You slap your forehead and go: "WTF. You are so stupid, you'd trip over a cordless phone."

Whoever said that a man of few words was a man of action definitely missed out on the keypoint. A man of few words is one who spoke his mind, but didnt have much of it to start with.

Disclaimer: The author claims no responsibility for any harm incurred by individuals who decide to use the above mentioned insults. If your target of insult is too dumb to understand the insults, please, refer them to me. I will start a clinic to cure stupidity. There's no cure really, but they just don't get it do they?

Ok la ok la, don't worry, if ure reading this blog, ure not stupid. However, if u believed the statement i jz made, ure damn stupid.

The next time you decide not to forget to do your homework, try this...

student: "Ma'am, would you ever punish someone for something he didnt do?"
if ure lucky, she'll pretend to be all righteous and say "of course not!"
that's when u tell her the truth "Ma'am, I didnt do the maths assignment that's due today"

Of thinkers, leaders and pioneers.

Somehow, from our records, people get to this blog by searching for weird things like "field camp powder bath photos". In case any of the upper authorities read this, we love the army. =D

I thought that the A level's was the last examination that i would have to take before my NS life is over. I was bloody wrong. In meritocratic singapore, those who display potential to become commanders ie to say sergeants and sirs in the SAF (which pratically includes all the poly and jc students), there is such a thing called the Sit test, used to assess whether we are suitable to become a commander.

It lasts for 3 days 2 nights and in an ideal situation, the following occurs...

Sir: "Ok whole lot on ur butts down!"
SitTestCohort: "SCHOOL 1!"

--- --- --- --- 3 DAYS LATER --- --- --- ---


Sir: "Congratulations on making it to the end of this test. The last part of the test requires you to stand up within a given time frame of 20 seconds. ON UR FEETS UP!"

SitTestCohort: "SCHOOL 1!" (half of them fail to stand up and another quarter fall down again after a few seconds of standing)

But such fairy tales dont happen in real life. To survive the Sit Test, which actually stands for situational tests, you need to be aware of certain ways of life.

1. Got thing you do. (do what is required of u)
2. Got food you eat. (dont starve urself cos u need the energy)
3. Got time you sleep. (u need the rest)

These 3 principles are enough to ensure your sanity throughout the test, as advised by a certain Sergeant Major who used to be a SOF trainer. If you wish to go one step further and ACE the test, you need to figure out the answer to this question

WHY IS SINGAPORE A SHE AND NOT A HE?



















write down ur answer before you scroll down for the answer. dont cheat!
















BECAUSE NO MAN IS AN ISLAND!
Remember that your teammates will be the ones who will be your source of strength, and if your team mates are causing too much disturbance during ur command, ask them to stfu or give them the gpmg.

For those who aspire to become a leader, let me leave you with some food for thought.
CSM of a particular company: "Do you know what is a leader? A leader is a servant."

--- minute of silence observed as images of ourselves looking like maids sank in ---

And some more if i did not manage to convince you not to fight for command school spots with me.

Sgt: "Do you know what SISPEC stands for?"
Rec: "School of infantry specialists"
Sgt: "WRONG! It means Suffer In Silence Plus Extra Confinement!"

powder bath

SAF: "Because our soldier must be equipped with the sense of urgencies" <--- pardon the gramar

pardon the spelling too.

like my fellow co-author, i have not been replying smses, although this is partially due to the fact that my phone doesnt receive 90% of the smses sent to it while its off.

hello shens, as shifu has already said, patience is a virtue. for example, we hurried and hurried on the last day of field camp, did about 3 hours work in 1 hour, ate breakfast while covering our graves, and went to the battleground to wait 3 hours for our turn. =)

valuable lessons learnt from field camp!

1) gravediggers are the most physically fit people ever. seriously, digging a trench about 30 cm deep has destroyed my hands, my legs, my back, and took me about 24 hours.

2) everything we do is interpreted as testing the system. for example, we aren't supposed to litter, so when the commanders find a small scrap of wrapper, they fall all of us in in full battle order and demand to know if we are trying to test the system. then they fuck us over.

2LT : (company name) <--- censored due to the millions of threats we have received about naming army stuff on our blogs
Us : YES SIR
2LT : (company name)
Us: YES SIR
2LT : YOU ALL FUCKING HELL WANT TO TEST SYSTEM IS IT?
Us: NO SIR
2LT: I TOLD YOU ALL FUCKING A LOT OF TIMES DON'T FUCKING LITTER RIGHT?
Us : YES SIR
2LT : THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (holds up a small scrap of paper)
Us : ....
2LT : ALL DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER IS IT? FUCKING HELL KNOCK IT DOWN
Us : *clapclap* (company name)
2LT : I TOLD YOU ALL DON'T FUCKING TRY AND TEST SYSTEM WITH ME, YOU ROGER THAT?
Us : YES SIR
2LT: YOU FUCKING HELL ROGER THAT??
Us : YES SIR
2LT : CARRY ON

As you can see, we have approximately 2 answers for about every question that is posed to us. Thinking soldiers indeed.

3) Powder bath is the most hilarious thing you will ever see in your life. Never will you see 49 boys in their underwear, holding a rifle each, and looking as white as a ghost. After which, we all sing "THIS IS MY RIFLE" and hold it over our heads, "THIS IS MY GUN" and thrust our crotch out, "THIS IS FOR FIGHTING" and wave our rifle around, "THIS IS FOR FUN" and wave our crotch around, followed by ONE TWO CHECK CLEAR, then we all pull the elastic strap of our underwear and release it, and powder billows out of your underwear. If no powder billows out, you powder bath again.

I'm actually way too tired to blog much now, so I'll save more incidents for my next post because im going to sleep now

shen, please do understand that patience is a good virtue. especially if you are in the army. because we rush to wait, and wait to rush. one classic situation would be....

Sgt: "I GIVE U ALL ONE MINUTE EVERYTHING ON AND FALL IN OUT HERE!"

- Recruits scramble out from their current positions and grab their LBV (Load Bearing Vest, or SBO aka skeletal battle order. dont worry u noobs. i will explain what it means further on in this article) and put on their helmets, slinging their rifles on and perhaps even try to throw their 10-15kg fieldpack on without losing balance. then, they will run, or at least throw their weight forward and reach the fall in place (hopefully) on time -

Sgt: "You all like to take ur own sweet time issit! 7 (or number as applicable) weeks in BMT already, still cannot fall in on time issit! Want me to F*** you all issit!"

Recruits: "NO SERGEANTTTTT!"

Sgt: "THEN? -2sec break- I give you all one last chance understand!?"

Recruits: "YES SERGEANTTTT!"

Sgt: "Ok whole lot on ur butts down!"

- Recruits sit down and stone until further instructions are given. If you are lucky, the waiting time is rather short, about 5 mins or so, if not, well just wait lah! -

Sometimes i wonder why dont they lengthen the time allocated for our movement and shorten the waiting time. You want the typical SAF answer? Are you sure? Can you answer me yes or no?

SAF: "Because our soldier must be equipped with the sense of urgencies" <--- pardon the gramar.

Of course, while the new recruits are adapting to their newly shaven heads and army life, the senior recruits have found more interesting-er things to do on the sunny islands of tekong. in case u didnt spot the mistake, tekong is considered an island, not islands. Your author here set off on his field camp during the course of this week, which explains his lack of replies to YOUR smses and inability to pickup ur calls. simply because you were not impt enuff the sergeants kept our phones.

And if you think being in the army trains us to be real men (quoted from some particular papans, which again is singular), think again. Here's my observations from my experience during field camp.

#1 - If you are a real man, why do you have to wake ur buddy up to go to the toilet with you at night? Going to the toilet in groups or at least in pairs simply reeks of girlishness to me. What, go to the toilet to gossip abt the sergeant and how cute he is ah? -_-

#2 - "Real men" like us wear make up too. Except while most girls put on makeup to stand out from the crowd, we put on ours to blend into the surrounding jungle flora. i.e. CAMO CREAM. its fking expensive ok one tube $2.50+ and pple like me who sweat alot need to touch up the makeup quite often each day... And if you kena the 1minute (the time varies frm 1-5minutes) drill before you finish washing off the cream back in ur bunk's toilet, you look like you are wearing mascara. (how the hell do u spell that word?)

#3 - I used to think that only girls went on diet and watched their weight. Sadly, I've joined the weight conscious club. Issuing us 4 X 24hrs worth of combat rations is crap. Firstly, nobody eats more than 1 X 24hrs worth of food during the field camp that lasts 5 or 6 days. Usually you are too tired or not in the mood to eat, and the food simply sucks so much you start missing the cookhouse food. (It's all a ploy to make the cookhouse food seem tasty). On top of this indirectly imposed diet, obese recruits like yours truly get confined in camp if my weight increases. SO WE HAVE TO GO "EEEEEEEEEW! THE CHICKEN SKIN SO FATTENING!" -but say already still put into my mouth, chew and swallow lah! siao dont waste food leh!-

#4 - SPAs are no longer for females only. It's official. Because of the rain, the camp sites have become make shift mudbaths that we roll,crawl,sit,eat,sleep,squat,stand,liedown in. If you are lucky, your commanders will give you a very fun command like "WHOLE LOT KNOCK IT DOWN!" -actually the only thing you knock down is yourself lah. pushup also muz give fancy commands- and u will hear alot of splattering sounds as people scramble into the pushup position, sometimes inadvertedly kicking some mud into the face of the poor guy behind him... So, we get mud baths and mud masks. free treatment FTW!

#5 - We carry more things than we need, and squeeze them into a bag that doesnt allow for so much capacity. And then we complain but do nothing about it.

#6 - We wear bras. OKOK just joking, dont need to give me that face as though the sky just fell down. LBV aka Load Bearing Vest, The Bra for all new NSmen. We have to adjust the straps until they fit snugly on us, or when we run around, things will start bouncing (all our equipment on the vest lah stop thinking pervertedly) and it will be super uncomfortable. However, it is comforting to note that the LBVs are one size fit all! =p

#7 - We clutch our rifles close to us (especially at night when the sergeants are too busy trying to steal rifles to sleep) just like how girls clutch their handbags tightly to prevent them from being snatched away when we are off guard. If our rifles are stolen, we get confined for at least one weekend.

#8 - Klar, dont worry, your favourite hobby has been picked up by some of the people in my company. Sgt: "PLATOON 4 FALL IN NOW!" - some particular blurcock suddenly gets hit by reality. "SHIT! I HAVEN CHANGE!" - As such, instead of

Sgt: "THEN? -2sec break- I give you all one last chance understand!?"

You usually see this...

Sgt: "THEN? -2sec break- WHOLE LOT KNOCK IT DOWN!"

- Recruits, being enthusiatic about army life, starts fervently carrying out the punishment, which is almost standard 20 counts of pushup -

(after abt 10 counts)

Sgt: "I got give you all permission to carry on issit?"

Rec: "NO SERGEANT!!!" -awkward pauses- "PERMISSION TO CARRY ON SERGEANT!"

Sgt: "Carry on" <--- although he says carry on, what he means is to restart from ZERO. not carry on from where you stopped. Note the amazing way they phrase things in the army. Wait. It's we, not they. WE.

Sometimes, after standing for a period of time, ur legs start to feel lazy, and if u are standing near or next to a wall, there is a human tendency to lean against/on it. Army people are not exception.

-My blog co-author

Indeed, army people are not exception, especially from grammar rules.

In continuation of my literary exploits, here is a poem on National Service, from talkingcock.com!


Native, born on native soil
Raised till eighteen, made to toil
To defend a tiny land
That’s the Singaporean man

On enlistment, BMT
Sergeant scold your family
Meet your Encik, CSM
The company’s stupid man

They’ll take you into a room
One man over many loom
Then you must prepare to swear
For this island always wear

Colour green and nothing more
Admin, PT and smart 4
They will strip you to the core
Fear not you’re the nation’s whore

They’ll give you a gunnysack
Change you into vest and slacks
2 years of your life they’ll take
You to hell until you break

Be prepared you new found dog
They’ll make you wash and unclog
Urinals and other stuff
2 years are more than enough

In this life you’ll never find
Better times to lose your mind
Welcome whore and please don’t cry
You’re already sworn to die

And now for the real training
So what if it’s still raining?
During war is there Cat. 1?
Dog, don’t ever lose your gun.

Learn to march and learn to sing
Songs that do not have meaning
But don’t stop or wonder why
You’re an idiot now green guy

Brains don’t work in this army
It runs in Lee’s family
Meet your rifle, your new wife
She’s your friend, your foe, your life

Strip her tenderly with care
Or sergeant will screw you there
Here’s your SBO and helm
You’re now warrior of the realm

Honor, pride and glory be,
Bring this country harmony
Smelling like a mad wild boar
Dolled up in your goddamn 4

In the bus or up a train,
People may smell and complain
“Chow peng kia! They’re so smelly
All the botak so ugly.”

Hang in there don’t be let down
You’re protector of the crown
Sergeants you must look up to
All the training they’ve been through

They KNOW they have seen the world
To them you’re a baby girl
Like lions they are inside
They’re just pussy cats outside

Think that SISPEC made you good?
Come on let’s try prison food
All these street smart wannabes
Grew up eating mommy’s peas

Educated know all jacks
That is why they’re all called SPECS
Think a sergeant’s hard to be?
Wanna come try RTC?

Yes you’re somebody down here
Recruits look at you and fear
Grow up! Naïve simple man
In this army brains don’t stand

PC! PC! You’re a Sir
Back in JC you’re a blur
Born with glasses nerdy whore
Never seen the world before

Mostly from rich families
High class bastard wannabes
Given a commissioned rank
All the sex you know is wank

Well-to-do here on this earth
Riches given you at birth
Those who get to OCS
They think they’re the very best

Poor forlorn misgiven soul
Life’s about mommy’s control

Now about the Regulars
These guys think they’re the coolest
Smart 4 hanging in the car
Trying to show off a bar

This lame dot is green enough
More green doesn’t make you tough
Living off the taxpayers
They’re fantastic soothsayers

“I swear to die for this land
I swear to serve useless man
My life I put down for thee
But for now you must pay me
Give me more off and flexi
Please grant me rank and money
I swear I am not a fake
I’ll choose death and won’t forsake
My tag may make me a dog
I love to suck CO’s cork
I am but a simple man
Live and die just for my land”

To them NSF are dogs
Idiots meant to do shit jobs
Given to fulfil a cause
Treat them like you’d treat a horse

Overworked and underpaid
We don’t blame it on our fate
We are proud to serve this land
Obeying unfaithful man

We must salute officers
All commissioned regulars
We address them all as Sirs
Just amazing, these soldiers
Instilling a sense of pride
Hunks that for this land would fight
They look so fierce in smart 4
So fierce I can’t wait for war

Wish I were the enemy
Catch all officers I see
Chain up all these cheap dog whores
Make them do NSF chores

Without taxes what are you?
Life would not be green but blue
Stuck with Japanese Hondas
Never Continental cars

Next are Majors and Kernels
At the top are Generals
Men so great we seldom see
Living life exclusively

Years they spent serving this land
Dogs, oops! I meant moral man
Talented at golf and darts
Handing out donation cards

“Give or sign extra duty
You are aiding charity”
So we donate once or twice
Call us stupid we’ve no choice
But at the end of the day
Who’s the one who gets to say

“All this happened ‘cos of me
I’ve done proud for charity
I’m Kernel of my country
Funds were raised because of ME!”

Strange, more cards just keep coming
Why do they keep on giving?
Do they think we work for free?
One month we make 350!

Wonder if they donate too,
Wonder where the funds go to.
NSFs we take the shame
We donate, they get the fame

What is this atrocious sham?
Do they have pride left in them?
For the high ranks you receive
Blow jobs many you did give

I’m sorry but ain’t it true?
Sucked until your face turned blue
Which army in history
Controlled by a nerd sissy

Would sign rubbish and then claim
“See! SAF helps the lame!”
Why O such a shameful act
Do you not know fake from fact?

If indeed you are so nice
Why not give us back our lives!
You take and you use us well
Parading your sun burnt hell

Doll us up in green like fools
Make us carry heavy stools
While your offices they sit
On their sofas and repeat

“I now go for my tea break
Heard officer mess got cake.
After you finish the chairs
Help me mop the floors and stairs
Go my office later on
Help me turn on the air con
Later I got visitor,
Boh pian, I am officer
Work so hard and earn so less
Still must buy my girlfriend dress
4k one month where enough?
Always chiong sua siebeh tough
Save so little in the bank
Hope to faster up my rank.”

Are these really commanders?
Are they really our warriors?
Could one ever imagine,
If in war how we would win?

Long 4, rifle, SBO
Splitting image of bodoh
Guard this island of the seas?
We need guarding from the Lees!

Loving westerners so much
Against us locals – have a grudge?
If not for this surname Lee,
We won’t have to serve army

Place where nerds have a say
Nerds who make us pay and pay
On the world map this country
Beautiful as it may be
Is but just a tiny worm
Even smaller than my sperm

Taxpayers! Why face such scorn?
Specially those with male born
Open your eyes wide and see
Your son’s 2 years in army

Saluting like he’s a jerk
People who cannot find work
Proper jobs that they won’t need
Taxpayers upon whom they will feed

Support peasants that’s one fact
But against your son they’d act
If he’s caught when he chao keng
By these government ah bengs

Futures they have very far
Dream of Porsches in their Kias
Why support such ill ingrates?
Men who dress and act like apes

They’d make Privates, Corporals, Men
Sai kang warriors of the land
Dogs that we are for this land
Thus the woes of NS Men.

New recruits are funny

Looking at the new recruits really make me laugh. I believe i wasnt so amusing when i was still a new recruit. Sadly unlike randy's platoon, I dont get creative punishments. They just find creative reasons to punish us. That's for later though, for now we will delve into some of the amusing sights spotted in bmtc.


#1 - [Flag lowering music played by the band] (in the army, the flag raising and lowering is done with the band playing the music. at that time, everyone is to come to attention and keep still there, otherwise known as diam)

Being the new blurcocks on the block, some new recruits decided to show us that they were really good at acting as wax figures.

[in the cookhouse when the music sounded] Sergeants: "KEEP STILL THERE!" Old recruits all come to attention and stop eating, or put their trays on the table and stood at attention. New recruits..... continue walking at a super slow pace looking side to side cautiously, as though admiring the statues in a museum. I dont blame them though, I had a hard time trying to hold my laughter in when i saw some of their fellow new recruits. Holding their tray with the following items - plate of rice and food, bowl of soup, and fruit, they decided to show that their fore arms were strong and kept still while holding their trays. Other new recruits had fruits stuck in their mouth or cutlery dangling from their mouths.

HELLO IS THIS HOW U WOULD BEHAVE AT A FLAG LOWERING/RAISING CEREMONY!?!?!?!?!?!

#2 - Circus acts

As a new recruit, you get issued with the necessary essentials (note the army engrish) when you enlist e.g. the boots, uniforms, pt attire, admin attire, LBV (load bearing vest), shoes, sandals, and alot of other stuff. All these come in 2 packages. The field pack and the duffel bag. According to my memory the total weight of these should be about 15-20kgs. So it can be quite a hassle to move ur things around, especially since u brought in a bag of ur own with ur own personal items, and in the rain too.

In order to look cool and move fast still, some have decided to make the duffel bag behave as a sling bag, by slinging it across their shoulders instead of wheeling it on the floor. As such, when their sergeants say "DOUBLE UP AND CATCH UP!" we see a bunch of clowns wobbling and swaying from side to side as they run and try to keep up with the rest. So much for being thinkers leaders and pioneers. It is seriously a funny sight watching those skinny asses trying to keep their balance. My advice to anyone who has not enlisted is to NOT bring in a bag exceeding 3-4kg in weight. You seriously dont need anything the beach road auntie tells u, at least not until ur confinement weeks is over. so dont kiasu and kill urself. if u bring in 20kg of stuff, plus the issued 20kg, ur weight effectively changes from 60kg to 60+40=100kg, suddenly qualifying u for the Eagle company aka elephant squad. Imagine having to climb 5 storeys up and trying to keep balance.

#3 - The following happens to some of the old recruits as well.

Sometimes, after standing for a period of time, ur legs start to feel lazy, and if u are standing near or next to a wall, there is a human tendency to lean against/on it. Army people are not exception. However, if you get spotted by a sergeant who is not very nice, the following punishment is meted out.

[Recruit puts both hands palms facing down on the wall]
Recruit: "HELP HELP THE WALL IS FALLING!"

if anyone walks past and looks too closely, he will in turn be asked to take over for being so "helpful" and kaypo. This repeats itself until the sergeant is satisfied.

ownage

with the new enlistees, we get to watch new recruits learn to march all over again!! entering the army and having your head shaved seems to imply you lose all your brains along with your hair.

for example, no normal person would march with both the right leg stepping forward and right hand swinging forward at the same time

army also has new, creative punishments

when a sergeant or sir asks you a question, you reply with YES / NO sir/sergeant.
however, being the singlish speaking singaporeans we are, we tend to say yah. to cure us of this habit, we have a wrong word punishment. if you reply with a yah, you go to the company line, ie to say the first floor of the company building and scream "YA YA PAPAYA ONE YA YA PAPAYA TWO" and so on until five.

also, when you knock it down, ie to say made to do pushups as punishment, normal companies ask for PERMISSION TO CARRY ON SIR / SERGEANT. in ours, we ask for PERMISSION TO ENJOY SIR or PERMISSION TO KEEP FIT SIR! and then he'll say ENJOY! in that weird sadistic tone of voice and you carry on twenty. ownage.

sadly, my platoon is nowhere as interesting as shifu's platoon, although we do have cases where people ask tons of stupid questions, but i'll go into that more tmr after i get back from my propaganda visit to the singapore discovery centre!

Who said that bimbos (like some of our friends) don't exist in the land of tekong?


Sometimes getting too serious can have adverse effects on the intended audience. For example...

[ In the army, whenever a commander speaks to you, you must reply in the format of ________, sir/sergeant etc. ]
One fine sunny day in the far away land of tekong, some joker decided that he must take initiative and greet one of the sirs.

Joker: PLATOOON DIAM! (come to attention) GOOD MORNING SIR!
Sir: Good morning
Joker: PERMISSION TO CARRY ON!
Sir: Carry on what?
Joker: Huh?
Sir: Huh ur head lah. Permission to carry on what?
Joker: Errrr... [looks around uneasily] PERMISSION TO CARRY ON STANDING UP!

*everyone present bursts out into uncontrollable laughter except the poor joker*


All he needed to say was "permission to carry on SIR!" but he took the question from SIR too seriously and screwed his sorry ass up. What a bimbo. -_-

To all the females scratching their heads while reading the past few entries, you have to bear with it. We as responsible citizens of tekong have to educate our male readers on life in tekong so that they will not end up like that joker as mentioned above. Thank you for your kind understanding. And if you still don't understand, just call Randy and he will explain it to you. Come on, spam him so that his hp will not have enuff batt to last the whole week!

new year, new discovery

(|nqbuss) i have no problem deciding what to do. if i'm hungry, i eat. if i'm tired, i sleep, if i need to user the bathroom, i use the bathroom, if none of the above, i sit in front of the computer

a great command-line process for me to live my life through the new year, although it probably needs some modification.

ifcmdgiven = true, "obey" else "sleep"

that probably sums up NS life. listen to what other people tell you to do, or if you havent been told to do anything, sleep.

Army quotes

"You all are trying to testing my patience is it? I can be very fucker to you all one know?"
"Nabeh cheebye, fuck you understand?"
"Do you all want to recover or go straight to the next exercise? "RECOVER SIR" "LANJIAO UNDERSTAND? Spiderpushups in postion NOW"
"The Tekong area got a lot of mice. Actually no, they are quite small one, yah, not mice, a lot of mouses"

some quotable quotes.

Sometimes, some of my friends pick up the SAF language so quickly that I am amazed. In case you are wondering, it means that their sentences have no sense of grammar and sometimes they dont make sense as well.


shifu: there are alot of PHD pple in my coy (read as company... see? army language)
shenz: wah so pro ah?
shifu: PHD = Poly Halfway Dropouts.
shenz: OH! i always thought that PHD was Permanent Head Injury <-----(this is where u can see that shenz is an expert in army language)

D is for injury. Wow. hahahah ok don't murder me. I appreciate ur effort to talk to me in a way that I've become adjusted to ok! Here's even more proof...

shenz: some guys dont treat her as a girl mah! like man's best friend like that (note: the sentence was modified to protect the "her" and her image.)
shifu: you mean like a dog? (i always thought that a man's best friend is a dog)

Your authors here have been abducted by a bunch of researchers called the SAF for different purposes onto the island that goes by the name of TEKONG. As such, it is highly unlikely that we have time to post here as often as we wish to. In fact, even if we have time, we'll most probably be enjoying it elsewhere. Therefore, if you are still reading this blog, only check it out after the weekends when we bookout.

People keep asking me wad is army life like. They fail to realise that i belong to a special group of people. I'm FAT. and for being FAT u get a different training programme that goes at a slower pace. So i can't really tell u if army/bmt is hiong or shag. Apart from that, the $2 haircut is gosu, and the english is very ggxx. The food are not nice and the people there ask much stupid questions.

One day, a black cat fell into a jar of flour. When it managed to get out of it looking white from head to tail, it saw a white cat. What did the black cat say to the white cat?























Are you ready?





It said "Meow!". If ur cat can say anything other than that, leave a tag and we will buy it from you and train it to say "is it can be hugs time now pleez"

women consumerism

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

rape

my reaction on seeing the post shifu made with my amazingly slick dance moves

me: OHMYGOD
me: LOl
me: LOL
me: I HATE YOUT
me: YOU
me: FOREVER
me: FK U
me: LOL
shifu: i think its very cute
shifu: and i uploaded small versions so they cant see ur face clearly
shifu: thank me
me: ....
me: thats like
me: raping a girl
me: but wearing a condom
me: and expecting her to appreciate that
me: wow my analogy is damn good
me: lol
shifu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

please, call me whenever you need an analogy.

pre enlistment post

You know, it's quite amusing when I'm the one enlisting into the army, but my mum is the one that is super kanchiong abt it. In fact, I've never seen her so flustered before. Here are a few quotable moments frm our last minute army supplies shopping spreee today.

Mum: EH! U haven buy shampoo lah!
Shifu: Errrr... botak liao where got hair to wash?

Mum: What abt wet tissues? Also never buy leh!
Shifu: Just bring tissue to the ceremony then before u leave pass me wad uve used lor..

Mum: You got bring mp3 in or not?
Shifu: Never.
Mum: Bring leh! Then i can record my nagging and let u listen when u are in camp!
Shifu: .......



Mums are cool. With them around to help with packing, I will be dead if they decide to make me run 24km with my bag. Even 2.4km is enuff to make me lamer than i am now. Ok guys, and girls, and whoever isnt either of the previously mentioned, I am going to miss you lots. RANDY PEH. Pls pass ur ippt so that u can stay out and continue blogging. Dear readers, if randy doesnt update regularly, sms me and i will scream at him. To end off my last entry before enlistment, let me ask u a question.

DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY THEY CALL IT ARMY? AND NOT LEGGY,SHOULDERY, NOSEY?

Well its very simple. Because they always make people do pushups in the army. =D

If a picture says a thousand words and videos are a series of pictures, then videos are too many words.

Randy has been emo for the past few days. I suspect it is because I am going to the army in one day's time and he hasnt found someone else to entertain besides me. Really. Just look at his dancing lessons.









For the truly ignorant and stupid, this is Randy's randytion rendition of Saturday night fever dance moves.

i am emo

its really over, get over it!

The milk is spilt.

It does not matter how many tears you shed, the milk is still spilt. It is still that white stain on your carpet.

Please, just clean up the milk. All you are doing with your tears is making the stain saltier.

Perhaps one day, when you are completely dry of tears, and completely dehydrated because of all the tears flowing out of your eyes, and you go to the fridge to get a new glass of milk, and trip over your feet again, and spill it on the carpet again, then you can cry over the new spilt milk.

Until then, please, stop crying over this patch of spilt milk.

Its over, really.

The authors of this blog collaborated with some of their friends and came up with a short lesson on how to dance, the limpehz way. Of course, i was the choreographer and the rest were the dancers. However, because everyone's camera was too good and the image sizes are tremendous, it will take a while to collate and change the resolutions.

Meanwhile, if any of you are feeling depressed from reading the previous entry, please click on this link

And PLEEZ note that the original video goes as such

leave me alone

its over, get over it!
The horsie is dead.

It does not matter how often you kick the horsie, it will not cause the horsie to move again.

That is because, as has been stated before, the horsie is dead.

Please, let the horsie decompose in peace.

Perhaps one day, once the horsie has fully joined with the earth, and been reincarnated as grass, and that grass has been consumed by hamsters, and those hamsters have pooped out seeds, and those seeds have in turn grown MORE grass, and that grass has died and fertilized a farmers grain, and that grain has been harvested as used as feed for a NEW horsie, perhaps you can beat that horsie.

Until it dies.

But not this horsie.
Not anymore.
It's dead.

Really.

sorry for the esoteric post at 4:10 am in the morning

A Dumbie's Guide to being a Secret Agent.

If you are looking for a job to supplement your income because your value on humanforsale is too low, you better look at the job scope carefully before you put your signature on the contract. This is what happens if your desire for more money blinds you. This also serves as a warning to James Bond wannabes who have become brainwashed to think that being a secret agent is cool. I tell you. It definitely isn't.



Credits to Bang from Ronin.

How much are you worth?

I know a number of people out there who are going to start work, and some of them even complain that their pay is mediocre. Come on, deep down inside i know you think you are worth much more than you are getting paid. DONT LIE TO ME!

According to a bunch of dudes on the internet, i am worth $2,091,264 if i sell myself.I think that's too little actually. I downplayed my good points in the survey. And incase you were wondering, I filled in the bad habits parts honestly.

So, itching to find out how much u are worth? Visit www.HumanForSale.com now!


Tell us your score in the tagboard alright? We will collate a list and publish it. Your author here has to remind you that I am not for sale though. You can't afford my actual selling price, no matter how much you might complain that i am overpriced. But if you have a few millions to spare, I will willingly rent myself to you for a few days. Plus you must be really nice and sweet to me, if not I will come up with a list of hidden charges that will cause you to GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. I don't think any of you are up it.

HORRORscopes for dumbies

I have to reiterate the point that I am not a superstitious person and the following, previous and upcoming entries are merely for public education and entertainment. Whether you choose to believe my divine interpretations of the happenings of the future, you just have to accept that I cannot cater to everyone. I only give a generalised reading for everyone. If you want a more detailed report based on your own sign and age, contact limpehz by calling 999. Nono. Don't. If you do that I don't have to predict your future for you anymore. You will have NO MORE FUTURE.

29th Nov - 6th Dec --->
What starts out as a slow moving week may soon accelerate into a frenzy of events that leave you gasping for breath. Not that it is a bad thing though, as it rejuvenates your social life and allows you to spend time with your loved ones. A time of gathering might also signal the time for departures. What you have taken for granted will not be around for much longer and you should take this period of time to look further down the path.

grammaticalness

I cant believe i spent time counting this out, but here are my results on the weird numerological test.


Number Three: Three is ruled by the planet Jupiter resulting in a new integration and wholeness. It represents a lively, cheerful, benevolent, realistic, spiritual mind. It is a masculine planet. (HEAR THAT???? I AM NOT GAY YOU FAGGOTS PUN FULLY INTENDED) Three can also relate to expansiveness and learning through life experiences. It is considered to be lucky, and is often associated with money and good fortune. Three can depict several people joining together to achieve a common goal, whether through a social or professional affiliation. Three also represents communication of all kinds, expression, drama, acting, and humor.(I'm such a good actor I can hide the fact that I am one from myself) It also represents the number associated with creativity. As a basis of all creation, the blending of creative energy of one (male) and two (female) create new life, so the resulting creation is associated with the number three. (Hi daddy one and mommy two) Its basic drive is acquire wisdom. (Indeed, I is wish to acquire wisdom.) It also restless, inquisitive and has an instinctive mind to explore. It can be completely free of malice. It represents the eyes which sparkle and twinkle with refreshing humour. Number Three is bold, courageous, truth-seeker and the quality of insight.(The grammar is painful, too painful) Above all, number Three is the true persona of an intellect.

Number Eight: Eight is ruled by the planet Saturn. It is considered to be the number of karmic influences where we are called upon to pay debts incurred in this and previous lives. (Oh god my next life is screwed) It is very pragmatic and with a balanced justice.(What on earth is with a balanced justice?? Maybe I will become a lawyer that takes gymnastics on the side???) It causes delay in all things.(LAGGGG) It gives slow but the steady progress.(HAHAHAHAHA OH THE GRAMMAR) It represents the hard ethics to follow everybody.(OH GOD THE HILARIOUSNESS) It represents hard work and lessons learned through experience, and can therefore be a difficult number for some because of the very restrictiveness of its nature. More than any other number, eight seeks money and material success.(Who wants to be a gajillionaire??) It also gives a strong life-longevity to a person.(Amazingly this coincides with something a palm reader told me recently) However, the hardships eight faces in pursuit of its rewards are extreme. Huge reversals in life are common for the eight. Because reputation and community standing are of paramount importance, those who have it figured prominently (HAHAHHA) would be wise to lead honest lives, otherwise any indiscretions will more than likely be uncovered in a most unflattering manner. Above all, The number Eight, is a true persona of a old. (HAHAHAHA PLEASE ITS AN OLD)

I'll be back in a jiffy.

I think I'm a little bit of all the first 5 types of assholes. As for the 6th, I do that to people who get on my nerves. In relation to Randy's personality aka asshole post, here's my follow up, in a less vulgar way.

How to Calculate Your Numerological Number

The art of Numerology is widely acclaimed in the world of astrologers. People can learn their future instantly through their numerological numbers.
Steps
Date of Birth Calculation

* Sum up the total number of the numbers in your birthday to make a single digit number. Example: Date of birth of AMLAN BASU = 16-01-1963 = 1+6+0+1+1+9+6+3 = 27 = 2+7 = 9
(if you get something like 28 break it down twice: 2+8=10 -> 1+0=1)

Name Number Calculation

* Match each letter of your name with a corresponding number up to 9. (A=1,B=2,C=3,D=4,E=5,F=6,G=7,H=8,I=9 and again J=1,K=2,L=3, etc).Example: AMLAN BASU = 1+4+3+1+5+2+1+1+3 = 21 = 2+1 = 3

1: A J S

2: B K T

3: C L U

4: D M V

5: E N W

6: F O X

7: G P Y

8: H Q Z

9: I R OTHER

Now, I would have pasted what each number meant here if I wanted to be an asshole and flush down randy's post. but i think that post has high education value so do read it. You can find out what your numerological number means here. Meanwhile, I'm off enjoying life again. Have fun folks.

random 1-100

first let me explain what is wrong with shifu's post

1. If you are a girl, say that "I'm so bored that I feel like crying. Pleez go out with me"
This is wrong. Firstly, no girl will deign to talk to me, so that rules this out.

2. If you are a boy, say "Eh, very long nv play pool liao. lets go shoot some balls"
This is also wrong, because if you want me to go out with you you better not call playing pool shooting balls. What, are you a basketballer?? You shoot hoops?? Or in pool's case, shoot pockets??

3. If you are none of the above, PLEEZ, don't let him know until he is out with you.
This is correct.

4. Well, if you are simply such an introvert that you have never asked Randy for his number, leave a tag and I will get back to you shortly. And as you can see, given my height, the shortly is rather short. :) <--- omg smiley
94353835, my new handphone number

5. Act FAST. While stocks last! <-- wow i rhyme.
I am actually more or less fully booked already, but good luck anyway! But if you are a good-looking, humourous girl willing to be my slave for life, I will definitely make time for you.

What kind of asshole are you?

Believe it or not, every single person you know is a fucking asshole, some in more obvious ways than others. The term 'asshole' isn't the typical term that I randomly sprout throughout this site, but of a more specific kind. These 'assholes' may not be the kind you'd hope your parents will never see you hanging out with, they're also not the kinds that will influence you negatively. The only common trait both classes off assholes share is that you want to fucking beat their stupid brains out. So which one are you?

1. The relationship asshole
Everyone knows a few of these bastards. These are the ones who go through thick and thin with you, the ones you share your secrets with, the ones who tell you to fuck off once their dicks get lucky. These assholes are personified by their forever filled schedule. Under no circumstance (unless their other half dies from herpes, but still..) are these morons free to hang out. Having them take initiative to plan some outing is more painful than getting butt fucked. Their entire fucking lives revolve around their other halves. They eat, sleep, shit, cut hair, go shopping, watch movies, go for classes, masturbate, get raped, fall sick, contract AIDs together. To these assholes, everything else is non existent. Every single aspect of their lives involves their other half and ONLY their other half. Everything else can go to hell.

2. The work asshole
The majority of the people you know fall into this category. Work assholes are found almost everywhere outside of ACJC. This breed of queers separate their lives into 2 very different categories: normal and holiday. During holidays (i.e no stress periods) these assholes dig up their lives and live with it for the duration of the holiday. They go out, party, get fucked and all other sorts of shit and basically enjoy themselves. However, once its the 'normal' (i.e stress) periods, they suddenly drop their lives and lock themselves up in their buttholes and fret over the future. Nothing on earth will convince them to leave their buttholes and do something relaxing. Relaxing to them means not looking at their notes while breathing. Also, during the 'normal' periods, you will totally not exist to these assholes. They have no idea whether you're dead or alive, and ignore all attempts you try and make contact with them. Their only friends are their notes, and other work related assholes.

3. The cheebye asshole
This is the asshole everyone aspires to be. They are characterized by their couldn't care less attitude. Life to these assholes is one big playground. They take everything easy and belittle everything, cussing at other types of assholes. Basically the total opposite of the work asshole in 'normal' mode, the only difference being the cheebye assholes have everything going their way. They don't work hard but produce results. They spend money that drops from the sky. They succeed in life by picking their noses during meetings and interviews. Typically, the cheebye asshole pisses everyone off that is unfortunate enough to cross his path, usually due to jealousy, contempt and unfairness. Fuck yourself in the butt if you're this kind of asshole.

4. The wayang asshole
Also known colloquailly as the 'crazy fuck', wayang assholes are those with the Wall Street Journal under their arms instead of the latest issue of Playboy. Everything that comes out of their mouths are beyond their peer's comprehension. They can be spotted in a group as the one who speaks like a fucking banana, except they've been brought up locally all their lives. They try to act older than they actually are, which explains the 'crazy fuck' looks they receive from anyone around their age. Their ideal future jobs are usually investment bankers, stockbrokers, risk analysts and any other jobs which requires more than 2 minutes of thought, though most usually end up as cash tellers in banks. The most harmless kind of asshole of the bunch who usually doesn't get on people's nerves.

5. The sensitive asshole
Sensitive assholes get their names for their probing behavior. They like to get involved in everyone's business and give their half cent's worth. Typically personified by their self righteous nature, most would tell these assholes to fuck off upon 2 mintues of conversing with them. Sensitive assholes like to think that they're a team player and that their input is appreciated. They rank high on the initiative scale because every single detail is combed through by them. If someone's twice removed cousin's pet hamster died, the sensitive asshole would be the first to offer his condolences and 'better' methods of hamster rearing. Good to have around if you're the kind who likes to spread rumours and watching the sensitive asshole go into a frenzy of excitement.

6. The fucking asshole
These species of assholes were the ones who created the vulgar term 'asshole', and are the absolute worst of the lot. Fucking assholes are known for their selfishness and backstabbing capabilities. They will say anything and everything to keep themselves in the clear, even if it means getting everyone else into shit. Such bastards only befriends those who are beneficial to them, and treat everyone else as non existant dregs of turd. They spent the majority of their time fucking tree monkeys, claim that the tree monkeys are 'hot babes' and have no qualms about boasting about it, though nobody usually listens because everyone steers clear of the fucking asshole. Fortunately to my knowledge, the fucking asshole is one of the rarer kinds of assholes you'll find. The majority of people you know fall mainly into the first 5 categories.
So, which asshole are you?

Motivation for the unmotivated

To our friends who are still studying for their bio/lit/econs S.

Call 1800-LOVE-PEH

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Are you bored? Do you simply have so many fun things to do that you do not know where to start? Are you starting to MISS mugging? Fret not. Research has shown that while many people say they desire freedom, they are actually afraid of the uncertainty that comes along with it. That is, they fear the insecurities that a lack of routine will bring to them. "We are free from the A levels!" - simply translates to "oh no now i have 18hours a day to spend without any mugging to do!"

If you actually read this far, well, sad to say, you must be part of the above crowd. I am going to give you a very simple solution to that. Now don't get me wrong, most things in life don't have quick fixes. But this is one exceptional case. Pick up your handphone, go to your contacts, scroll down the list.... A..B..C..D..E..F..G..H..I..J..K..L..M..N..O..P..Q..R

OK STOP THERE. Don't go further down to S. Stop at R.

Call RANDY and ask him out. Get him away from WOWbeta, or the likes of it. Now being the helpful coauthor of this blog, I will give you some hints and tips to ensure that he will say YES to your date proposal.

1. If you are a girl, say that "I'm so bored that I feel like crying. Pleez go out with me"
2. If you are a boy, say "Eh, very long nv play pool liao. lets go shoot some balls"
3. If you are none of the above, PLEEZ, don't let him know until he is out with you.
4. Well, if you are simply such an introvert that you have never asked Randy for his number, leave a tag and I will get back to you shortly. And as you can see, given my height, the shortly is rather short. :) <--- omg smiley
5. Act FAST. While stocks last! <-- wow i rhyme.





Now ok, you have to understand that we are all busy people. So don't take it too personally when Randy rejects you, whether he did it in a subtle manner or not. But trust me, it most probably is personal. Don't go kill yourself alright, that might make the whole world happy but we don't want you to be TOO sad. Here, courtesy of dumbthings.com:

Next time you think you're having a bad day read this:

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Born loser? Blame your parents. Researchers in Wales now say that your bad luck may be more than, well, bad luck. Professor Peter McGuffin says you may be genetically programmed to lose. "Adverse life events," says the professor, "happen more frequently" to genetically unlucky people.

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

OK. That's enough stupidity to last for the few days that I'm out having fun. Bye!

In relation to vips tag, I will post a completely neutral post today ! Credit to ikaruga!

How to piss people off on the bus/train

Having taken public transport for the majority of my life, I've noted down various ways to irritate people within a 5 metre radius of you. After all, if people constantly irritate you, why shouldn't you irritate them back? The methods listed below does not work on every kind of passenger. Some may get irritated while others may not give a fuck. The techniques taught are from personal experience, by observing gay fucks doing various fuck shit on the buses and trains. I am not responsible for you getting your ass whooped if you try any of the discussed methods.
1. Rest your knee on the front backrest (bus only). This is the most effective way to piss people off in the shortest amount of time. By resting your knee on the backrest, you apply subtle but noticeable pressure on the front guy's back. Usually people just get used to the pressure and ignore it. So to ramp up the irritation factor, try rocking your knees back and forth. This will cause the front guy to rock as well and will most definitely piss him off enough for him to turn around and give you death looks.
2. iPod irritation (bus or train). Most poseur assholes these days have an iPod, and most have some sort of receiver/discman device to listen to while on the way home. The trick is to adjust the volume such that the person next to you is able to hear the faint music BUT is unable to make out the exact lyrics of the song. This will piss people off because though you're providing free music for them, they can't hear whatever the fuck it is you're listening to. And they can't shut the sound off either because the music is definitely noticeable. The best part is usually nobody will say a thing because they'd look like a pussy ass for letting music irritate them, unless they're sleeping and your noise woke them up.
3. Mobile irritation (bus or train). Another popular choice since everyone now owns a phone that can transform and cook up a meal. Even old phones can attempt this. Every phone has some sort of lame java games installed that produces ear piercing blips and beeps. Simply whip out your phone and begin playing the game in a way such that it makes the most noise. The best are the kinds of looping sounds that repeat non stop.
4. Bell ninja (bus only). Stealthily press the Stop bell every now and then between stops without letting anyone know you're the bastard that's doing it. The constant bell tone will irritate everyone including the driver on the bus. Its an awesome bonus. Get back at the fucking uncle for taking such a long time to reach your stop.
5. Bell ninja II (bus only). This one requires timing. When the bus gets very near the next stop, press the bell stealthily and watch as the bus ebrakes and tries to stop within the bus bay. The force of the brakes will throw the passengers forward and of course piss them off. Do this enough times at various stops and watch the faces of the driver and passengers.
6. Noisy patriotic bastard (usually but not limited to train). Works best on crowded trains when you're standing in front of the sitting passengers. Singly, whip out your phone and pretend to talk to your friend about your time in the army. Go into details about how fucked up you felt and how unreasonable blah blah blah. Nothing pisses off a person more than hearing about some young punk talking endlessly about his time in the army and making a big fucking deal over nothing. For best effect have an accomplice with you. Both of you can just drone on and on and agreeing to everything the other says. Throw in the occasional hyena laughter and watch as everyone else clenches their fist.
7. Mat Attack (anywhere). Requires help from a few accomplices. Simply sit in a corner and talk about interesting (lurid to assholes) things like sex and porn while laughing loudly occasionally. The trick is to talk loudly enough for other passengers to hear without raising your voice. Should not be carried out in densely packed places either. People always get pissed when there's a group of shitfucks talking about sex and stuff and laughing like horny cowboys. Even those politically incorrect ones will get pissed for not being included in the 'conversation'.

Dance Lessons For the n00bs!

RANDY PEH U LAZY BUM.

With the end of the A levels, all of us move on with life (happily). As such, another worry appears for those who aspire to be Dance Kings and Queens during Grad Night. Regardless of what school you are from, or what cca you are from, the author believes that you will greatly benefit from these dancing lessons

Shopping tips for aunties

They say ignorance is bliss, but i say sometimes, ignorance makes people stupid. And stupidity is uncurable. Please note that this is not an elitist post, nor am i promoting elitism. I don't advocate it, but it already exists.

Now, on to the main point before I go tempt fate with probability in chemistry mcqs. For the purpose of education, I was trotting down the streets, or rather, the marketplace near my block this morning. As i was passing by the fruit stall, I overheard a pretty interesting conversation.

Auntie: "These apples sweet or not huh?"
Stallholder: "Er, ya"
Auntie: "How much ar?"

For you avid shoppers and future aunties to be, please, take my advice and learn from her mistakes. Why would you ever ask the owner of the business whether the things that he is selling are good? And basing your decision to purchase on his reply to ur inquiries abt that is even more stupid. so,

LIMPEHZ SHOPPING TIPS (for aunties in general)
#1 - DONT ASK THE STALLHOLDER FOR HIS OPINION OF WHAT YOU WANT TO BUY. THEY MAKE A PROFIT IF U BUY SO THEY WILL OBVIOUSLY CONVINCE U TO BUY!