HORRORscopes for dumbies

I have to reiterate the point that I am not a superstitious person and the following, previous and upcoming entries are merely for public education and entertainment. Whether you choose to believe my divine interpretations of the happenings of the future, you just have to accept that I cannot cater to everyone. I only give a generalised reading for everyone. If you want a more detailed report based on your own sign and age, contact limpehz by calling 999. Nono. Don't. If you do that I don't have to predict your future for you anymore. You will have NO MORE FUTURE.

29th Nov - 6th Dec --->
What starts out as a slow moving week may soon accelerate into a frenzy of events that leave you gasping for breath. Not that it is a bad thing though, as it rejuvenates your social life and allows you to spend time with your loved ones. A time of gathering might also signal the time for departures. What you have taken for granted will not be around for much longer and you should take this period of time to look further down the path.

grammaticalness

I cant believe i spent time counting this out, but here are my results on the weird numerological test.


Number Three: Three is ruled by the planet Jupiter resulting in a new integration and wholeness. It represents a lively, cheerful, benevolent, realistic, spiritual mind. It is a masculine planet. (HEAR THAT???? I AM NOT GAY YOU FAGGOTS PUN FULLY INTENDED) Three can also relate to expansiveness and learning through life experiences. It is considered to be lucky, and is often associated with money and good fortune. Three can depict several people joining together to achieve a common goal, whether through a social or professional affiliation. Three also represents communication of all kinds, expression, drama, acting, and humor.(I'm such a good actor I can hide the fact that I am one from myself) It also represents the number associated with creativity. As a basis of all creation, the blending of creative energy of one (male) and two (female) create new life, so the resulting creation is associated with the number three. (Hi daddy one and mommy two) Its basic drive is acquire wisdom. (Indeed, I is wish to acquire wisdom.) It also restless, inquisitive and has an instinctive mind to explore. It can be completely free of malice. It represents the eyes which sparkle and twinkle with refreshing humour. Number Three is bold, courageous, truth-seeker and the quality of insight.(The grammar is painful, too painful) Above all, number Three is the true persona of an intellect.

Number Eight: Eight is ruled by the planet Saturn. It is considered to be the number of karmic influences where we are called upon to pay debts incurred in this and previous lives. (Oh god my next life is screwed) It is very pragmatic and with a balanced justice.(What on earth is with a balanced justice?? Maybe I will become a lawyer that takes gymnastics on the side???) It causes delay in all things.(LAGGGG) It gives slow but the steady progress.(HAHAHAHAHA OH THE GRAMMAR) It represents the hard ethics to follow everybody.(OH GOD THE HILARIOUSNESS) It represents hard work and lessons learned through experience, and can therefore be a difficult number for some because of the very restrictiveness of its nature. More than any other number, eight seeks money and material success.(Who wants to be a gajillionaire??) It also gives a strong life-longevity to a person.(Amazingly this coincides with something a palm reader told me recently) However, the hardships eight faces in pursuit of its rewards are extreme. Huge reversals in life are common for the eight. Because reputation and community standing are of paramount importance, those who have it figured prominently (HAHAHHA) would be wise to lead honest lives, otherwise any indiscretions will more than likely be uncovered in a most unflattering manner. Above all, The number Eight, is a true persona of a old. (HAHAHAHA PLEASE ITS AN OLD)

I'll be back in a jiffy.

I think I'm a little bit of all the first 5 types of assholes. As for the 6th, I do that to people who get on my nerves. In relation to Randy's personality aka asshole post, here's my follow up, in a less vulgar way.

How to Calculate Your Numerological Number

The art of Numerology is widely acclaimed in the world of astrologers. People can learn their future instantly through their numerological numbers.
Steps
Date of Birth Calculation

* Sum up the total number of the numbers in your birthday to make a single digit number. Example: Date of birth of AMLAN BASU = 16-01-1963 = 1+6+0+1+1+9+6+3 = 27 = 2+7 = 9
(if you get something like 28 break it down twice: 2+8=10 -> 1+0=1)

Name Number Calculation

* Match each letter of your name with a corresponding number up to 9. (A=1,B=2,C=3,D=4,E=5,F=6,G=7,H=8,I=9 and again J=1,K=2,L=3, etc).Example: AMLAN BASU = 1+4+3+1+5+2+1+1+3 = 21 = 2+1 = 3

1: A J S

2: B K T

3: C L U

4: D M V

5: E N W

6: F O X

7: G P Y

8: H Q Z

9: I R OTHER

Now, I would have pasted what each number meant here if I wanted to be an asshole and flush down randy's post. but i think that post has high education value so do read it. You can find out what your numerological number means here. Meanwhile, I'm off enjoying life again. Have fun folks.

random 1-100

first let me explain what is wrong with shifu's post

1. If you are a girl, say that "I'm so bored that I feel like crying. Pleez go out with me"
This is wrong. Firstly, no girl will deign to talk to me, so that rules this out.

2. If you are a boy, say "Eh, very long nv play pool liao. lets go shoot some balls"
This is also wrong, because if you want me to go out with you you better not call playing pool shooting balls. What, are you a basketballer?? You shoot hoops?? Or in pool's case, shoot pockets??

3. If you are none of the above, PLEEZ, don't let him know until he is out with you.
This is correct.

4. Well, if you are simply such an introvert that you have never asked Randy for his number, leave a tag and I will get back to you shortly. And as you can see, given my height, the shortly is rather short. :) <--- omg smiley
94353835, my new handphone number

5. Act FAST. While stocks last! <-- wow i rhyme.
I am actually more or less fully booked already, but good luck anyway! But if you are a good-looking, humourous girl willing to be my slave for life, I will definitely make time for you.

What kind of asshole are you?

Believe it or not, every single person you know is a fucking asshole, some in more obvious ways than others. The term 'asshole' isn't the typical term that I randomly sprout throughout this site, but of a more specific kind. These 'assholes' may not be the kind you'd hope your parents will never see you hanging out with, they're also not the kinds that will influence you negatively. The only common trait both classes off assholes share is that you want to fucking beat their stupid brains out. So which one are you?

1. The relationship asshole
Everyone knows a few of these bastards. These are the ones who go through thick and thin with you, the ones you share your secrets with, the ones who tell you to fuck off once their dicks get lucky. These assholes are personified by their forever filled schedule. Under no circumstance (unless their other half dies from herpes, but still..) are these morons free to hang out. Having them take initiative to plan some outing is more painful than getting butt fucked. Their entire fucking lives revolve around their other halves. They eat, sleep, shit, cut hair, go shopping, watch movies, go for classes, masturbate, get raped, fall sick, contract AIDs together. To these assholes, everything else is non existent. Every single aspect of their lives involves their other half and ONLY their other half. Everything else can go to hell.

2. The work asshole
The majority of the people you know fall into this category. Work assholes are found almost everywhere outside of ACJC. This breed of queers separate their lives into 2 very different categories: normal and holiday. During holidays (i.e no stress periods) these assholes dig up their lives and live with it for the duration of the holiday. They go out, party, get fucked and all other sorts of shit and basically enjoy themselves. However, once its the 'normal' (i.e stress) periods, they suddenly drop their lives and lock themselves up in their buttholes and fret over the future. Nothing on earth will convince them to leave their buttholes and do something relaxing. Relaxing to them means not looking at their notes while breathing. Also, during the 'normal' periods, you will totally not exist to these assholes. They have no idea whether you're dead or alive, and ignore all attempts you try and make contact with them. Their only friends are their notes, and other work related assholes.

3. The cheebye asshole
This is the asshole everyone aspires to be. They are characterized by their couldn't care less attitude. Life to these assholes is one big playground. They take everything easy and belittle everything, cussing at other types of assholes. Basically the total opposite of the work asshole in 'normal' mode, the only difference being the cheebye assholes have everything going their way. They don't work hard but produce results. They spend money that drops from the sky. They succeed in life by picking their noses during meetings and interviews. Typically, the cheebye asshole pisses everyone off that is unfortunate enough to cross his path, usually due to jealousy, contempt and unfairness. Fuck yourself in the butt if you're this kind of asshole.

4. The wayang asshole
Also known colloquailly as the 'crazy fuck', wayang assholes are those with the Wall Street Journal under their arms instead of the latest issue of Playboy. Everything that comes out of their mouths are beyond their peer's comprehension. They can be spotted in a group as the one who speaks like a fucking banana, except they've been brought up locally all their lives. They try to act older than they actually are, which explains the 'crazy fuck' looks they receive from anyone around their age. Their ideal future jobs are usually investment bankers, stockbrokers, risk analysts and any other jobs which requires more than 2 minutes of thought, though most usually end up as cash tellers in banks. The most harmless kind of asshole of the bunch who usually doesn't get on people's nerves.

5. The sensitive asshole
Sensitive assholes get their names for their probing behavior. They like to get involved in everyone's business and give their half cent's worth. Typically personified by their self righteous nature, most would tell these assholes to fuck off upon 2 mintues of conversing with them. Sensitive assholes like to think that they're a team player and that their input is appreciated. They rank high on the initiative scale because every single detail is combed through by them. If someone's twice removed cousin's pet hamster died, the sensitive asshole would be the first to offer his condolences and 'better' methods of hamster rearing. Good to have around if you're the kind who likes to spread rumours and watching the sensitive asshole go into a frenzy of excitement.

6. The fucking asshole
These species of assholes were the ones who created the vulgar term 'asshole', and are the absolute worst of the lot. Fucking assholes are known for their selfishness and backstabbing capabilities. They will say anything and everything to keep themselves in the clear, even if it means getting everyone else into shit. Such bastards only befriends those who are beneficial to them, and treat everyone else as non existant dregs of turd. They spent the majority of their time fucking tree monkeys, claim that the tree monkeys are 'hot babes' and have no qualms about boasting about it, though nobody usually listens because everyone steers clear of the fucking asshole. Fortunately to my knowledge, the fucking asshole is one of the rarer kinds of assholes you'll find. The majority of people you know fall mainly into the first 5 categories.
So, which asshole are you?

Motivation for the unmotivated

To our friends who are still studying for their bio/lit/econs S.

Call 1800-LOVE-PEH

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Are you bored? Do you simply have so many fun things to do that you do not know where to start? Are you starting to MISS mugging? Fret not. Research has shown that while many people say they desire freedom, they are actually afraid of the uncertainty that comes along with it. That is, they fear the insecurities that a lack of routine will bring to them. "We are free from the A levels!" - simply translates to "oh no now i have 18hours a day to spend without any mugging to do!"

If you actually read this far, well, sad to say, you must be part of the above crowd. I am going to give you a very simple solution to that. Now don't get me wrong, most things in life don't have quick fixes. But this is one exceptional case. Pick up your handphone, go to your contacts, scroll down the list.... A..B..C..D..E..F..G..H..I..J..K..L..M..N..O..P..Q..R

OK STOP THERE. Don't go further down to S. Stop at R.

Call RANDY and ask him out. Get him away from WOWbeta, or the likes of it. Now being the helpful coauthor of this blog, I will give you some hints and tips to ensure that he will say YES to your date proposal.

1. If you are a girl, say that "I'm so bored that I feel like crying. Pleez go out with me"
2. If you are a boy, say "Eh, very long nv play pool liao. lets go shoot some balls"
3. If you are none of the above, PLEEZ, don't let him know until he is out with you.
4. Well, if you are simply such an introvert that you have never asked Randy for his number, leave a tag and I will get back to you shortly. And as you can see, given my height, the shortly is rather short. :) <--- omg smiley
5. Act FAST. While stocks last! <-- wow i rhyme.





Now ok, you have to understand that we are all busy people. So don't take it too personally when Randy rejects you, whether he did it in a subtle manner or not. But trust me, it most probably is personal. Don't go kill yourself alright, that might make the whole world happy but we don't want you to be TOO sad. Here, courtesy of dumbthings.com:

Next time you think you're having a bad day read this:

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Born loser? Blame your parents. Researchers in Wales now say that your bad luck may be more than, well, bad luck. Professor Peter McGuffin says you may be genetically programmed to lose. "Adverse life events," says the professor, "happen more frequently" to genetically unlucky people.

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

OK. That's enough stupidity to last for the few days that I'm out having fun. Bye!

In relation to vips tag, I will post a completely neutral post today ! Credit to ikaruga!

How to piss people off on the bus/train

Having taken public transport for the majority of my life, I've noted down various ways to irritate people within a 5 metre radius of you. After all, if people constantly irritate you, why shouldn't you irritate them back? The methods listed below does not work on every kind of passenger. Some may get irritated while others may not give a fuck. The techniques taught are from personal experience, by observing gay fucks doing various fuck shit on the buses and trains. I am not responsible for you getting your ass whooped if you try any of the discussed methods.
1. Rest your knee on the front backrest (bus only). This is the most effective way to piss people off in the shortest amount of time. By resting your knee on the backrest, you apply subtle but noticeable pressure on the front guy's back. Usually people just get used to the pressure and ignore it. So to ramp up the irritation factor, try rocking your knees back and forth. This will cause the front guy to rock as well and will most definitely piss him off enough for him to turn around and give you death looks.
2. iPod irritation (bus or train). Most poseur assholes these days have an iPod, and most have some sort of receiver/discman device to listen to while on the way home. The trick is to adjust the volume such that the person next to you is able to hear the faint music BUT is unable to make out the exact lyrics of the song. This will piss people off because though you're providing free music for them, they can't hear whatever the fuck it is you're listening to. And they can't shut the sound off either because the music is definitely noticeable. The best part is usually nobody will say a thing because they'd look like a pussy ass for letting music irritate them, unless they're sleeping and your noise woke them up.
3. Mobile irritation (bus or train). Another popular choice since everyone now owns a phone that can transform and cook up a meal. Even old phones can attempt this. Every phone has some sort of lame java games installed that produces ear piercing blips and beeps. Simply whip out your phone and begin playing the game in a way such that it makes the most noise. The best are the kinds of looping sounds that repeat non stop.
4. Bell ninja (bus only). Stealthily press the Stop bell every now and then between stops without letting anyone know you're the bastard that's doing it. The constant bell tone will irritate everyone including the driver on the bus. Its an awesome bonus. Get back at the fucking uncle for taking such a long time to reach your stop.
5. Bell ninja II (bus only). This one requires timing. When the bus gets very near the next stop, press the bell stealthily and watch as the bus ebrakes and tries to stop within the bus bay. The force of the brakes will throw the passengers forward and of course piss them off. Do this enough times at various stops and watch the faces of the driver and passengers.
6. Noisy patriotic bastard (usually but not limited to train). Works best on crowded trains when you're standing in front of the sitting passengers. Singly, whip out your phone and pretend to talk to your friend about your time in the army. Go into details about how fucked up you felt and how unreasonable blah blah blah. Nothing pisses off a person more than hearing about some young punk talking endlessly about his time in the army and making a big fucking deal over nothing. For best effect have an accomplice with you. Both of you can just drone on and on and agreeing to everything the other says. Throw in the occasional hyena laughter and watch as everyone else clenches their fist.
7. Mat Attack (anywhere). Requires help from a few accomplices. Simply sit in a corner and talk about interesting (lurid to assholes) things like sex and porn while laughing loudly occasionally. The trick is to talk loudly enough for other passengers to hear without raising your voice. Should not be carried out in densely packed places either. People always get pissed when there's a group of shitfucks talking about sex and stuff and laughing like horny cowboys. Even those politically incorrect ones will get pissed for not being included in the 'conversation'.

Dance Lessons For the n00bs!

RANDY PEH U LAZY BUM.

With the end of the A levels, all of us move on with life (happily). As such, another worry appears for those who aspire to be Dance Kings and Queens during Grad Night. Regardless of what school you are from, or what cca you are from, the author believes that you will greatly benefit from these dancing lessons

Shopping tips for aunties

They say ignorance is bliss, but i say sometimes, ignorance makes people stupid. And stupidity is uncurable. Please note that this is not an elitist post, nor am i promoting elitism. I don't advocate it, but it already exists.

Now, on to the main point before I go tempt fate with probability in chemistry mcqs. For the purpose of education, I was trotting down the streets, or rather, the marketplace near my block this morning. As i was passing by the fruit stall, I overheard a pretty interesting conversation.

Auntie: "These apples sweet or not huh?"
Stallholder: "Er, ya"
Auntie: "How much ar?"

For you avid shoppers and future aunties to be, please, take my advice and learn from her mistakes. Why would you ever ask the owner of the business whether the things that he is selling are good? And basing your decision to purchase on his reply to ur inquiries abt that is even more stupid. so,

LIMPEHZ SHOPPING TIPS (for aunties in general)
#1 - DONT ASK THE STALLHOLDER FOR HIS OPINION OF WHAT YOU WANT TO BUY. THEY MAKE A PROFIT IF U BUY SO THEY WILL OBVIOUSLY CONVINCE U TO BUY!

Due to the onset of examinations over the past couple of weeks, your author has had not enough time to feel bored. However, he has not forgotten about YOU. So, let me present to you the bi products of too much last minute studying.

Define radian. <-- Now if u are a hardcore DotA player, this question is going to cost u 2 marks. WHY?! Because your eyes will play tricks on you and you will read: Define RADIANCE. And hence your answer will be... Sacred Relic plus recipe thnxsggxxyyzz.

And for people who dont take physics, here's some chemistry theory from limpehz.
By LCP, anything in excess in the system will be removed by shifting the position of the equilibrium. So by applying LCP to real life, assuming that you have a life that is, you get some rather interesting results!

Let us assume that all boys have too much time and money. Hence by LCP, there the equilibrium will shift in such a way to remove this excess time and money. Depending on the type of boy involved, there are several ways of doing so. First, we have WoW and DotA. Well, that isn't REALLY a problem. Another scarier and more dangerous way of removing this excess time and money? GIRLS. Yes. You heard me right, or read me at least. Girls are God's application of LCP. So if you have too much time and money, get a girlfriend. Or play WoW.

chicken soup for the female soul

want to know more about girls? want to understand the vagaries of their menstrual cycle? want to understand why girls are occasionally completely irrational and illogical? girls, want to know more about what is happening or has happened to your body? To dispel urban myths about PMS?

Fear not, MSN comes to the rescue with The Must-have Handbook for Girls' Teenage Life!

“Maybe it’s a problem…that little girls DON’T like to play games that slaughter entire planets. Maybe that’s why we are still underpaid, still struggling, still fighting for our rights. Maybe if we had the mettle to take on an entire planet, we could fight some of the smaller battles we face everyday.” - female Quake player

Hear that little girls?? Maybe its time to face up to the fact that shopping merely makes you spend your money and waste your time buying products that you will only ever use once in your life, while sitting in front of the computer trying to learn DotA will impart unto you invaluable life skills, like killing other people for their money. And also, if you kill everyone opposing you, you win too.

"To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up. "

Is that why my brains refuse to comprehend statistics a few hours after the end of my chemistry paper3? I don't really care actually. For the sake of amusement, I conveniently forgot the formulas that i painstakingly spent the whole night to study from thermodynamics and flipped to the Biochemistry option questions today during the paper. They looked like i could handle them. Well I guess looks can be deceiving after all.

To those people who are feeling stressed, remember that stressed is desserts spelt backwards. And to those who thought that was lame, read this:

A man walks into his wifes bedroom with a sheep under his arm His wife looks at him with a curious expression on her face The man goes "This is the pig i've been shagging" His wife looks at him and says "That's not a pig it's a sheep" The man says....."I was talking to the sheep!"

So you think you are good?

The above video contains profanities that might be too hurtful to ur elitist ears. If thats the case, too bad for you. If you are fun loving and your parents arent around, just click play and listen to the best ways ive ever heard someone use vulgarities.

the apocalypse

What, what will we do, when girls around the world see this movie??

refer to pt. 114 of previous post.

Instead of ranting about how girls obviously have it better then guys, in THIS post, I, the militant defender of women rights, will attempt to expound upon why guys have it better then girls. (I expect this will be a short entry)

Reasons to be a guy

1) Phone conversations are over in under 5 minutes.
2) You can pack for a vacation with only one suitcase. This is mainly due to the fact that girls require a different outfit for every conceivable occasion, even conceiving. (I still can't believe there is a line of clothing called maternity wear)
3) You don't need to worry about people looking up your skirt. (most girls don't have to as well, on account of their fat thighs)
4) You wear 3 articles of clothing, compared to a possible 5 to 6 for girls.
5) Your hairstyle stays in fashion for decades.
6) Blood tends to stay in your body rather then come out every month, which may potentially attract vampires
7) When you say something, you mean it.
8) Gray hair and good suits = distinguished. Nice dresses on old women = no.
9) The only thing you worry about when you see food is if it tastes nice.
10)You won't wear revealing clothes and then worry that people are staring at you.

would that we call a girl by any other name still be as much a waste of time

This contribution to militant feminism was started in the latter half 2000 by gssq for various reasons, among them being boredom, surfeit of time, sheer boliao-ness and disgust at the feminist movement. It might sound stereotyped, but cliches persist and endure because they are often true. Contrary to popular belief, this list was compiled through observation, interviews, research and contributions; list items were not made up.



Comments / Contributions are heartily welcome so I can correct, elaborate on and expand this list.

Disclaimer: However this list may sound, I am neither a MCP nor a misogynist, supporting and believing in gender equality. I also condone many of the items listed here and even indulge in some myself.

Note: Items on this list may be indulged in by males as well, and not all apply to all females. I believe that males are screwed up as well, albeit in a different way. The second part of the list's name is Kairen's suggestion.


1. On the phone / gossiping / talking / whining

2. Makeup and accessories - hair (wearing hairbands around their necks and letting their hair flop around their eyes - I mean I don't care if your hair is in your eyes... but if you have a hairband, wear it!), bodily or other (eg pets, possessions and other people)

3. Shopping, especially window - and most especially for things they don't want, just for the thrill of it.

3. a) Bargaining for the sake of bargaining, even when the price is already very low - "a man is someone who pays $2 for a $1 item he wants. a woman is someone who pays $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want"

3. b) Spending 3 hours and $5 in fuel/transport fees to travel to some sub-urban warehouse to save $0.30 on toilet paper because it is "cheap"

4. Sighing, obsessing (eg: omg what did he mean when he said: 'I'm going to sleep'?!! how?!what
dossit mean?!!") or giggling about crushes / doing other requisite things with sighing - 6 hours compared to guys' 5 minutes for the works / writing stories involving them & their crushes

5. Hair (includes blowjobs on wet/dry hair and styling, playing and accessorising, rebonding, hair extensions, perming/using curlers, cutting it whenever they undergo some great emotional change / trauma)

6. Nails (manicure, filing, buffing, embossing, painting with horrid colours, drawing of measle-like dots)

7. Shaving (or other forms of hair removal - waxing, tweezing, hair removal cream or laser), especially regretful when not done thoroughly, leaving 'shadow'

8. Reading the surfeit of redundant, gushy, sex-obsessed, overpriced, sappy and soppy girly and self-improvement magazines on the market which just make them feel yet more inadequate, starting a vicious circle which leads to more purchases of said mags

9. Daydreaming (aka fantasising)

10. "Cute" stuff (real or contrived) - including dolls, origami, soft toys and fads (Tare Panda - on drugs and squashed by a steamroller, Hello Kitty - no mouth, Powerpuff Girls - sickly 'sweet' voices reminiscent of the smell of decaying flesh, Qoo drink's mascot - one ear, Disgusting Chick [Groovy Chick] stationery etc...)

11. Colour coding / decorating things (esp those with obsessive compulsive disorder) - writing their names on their notes in fanciful fonts / Doodling / vandalising friends' notes with flowers etc / sparkles on handphone screens? / Squirting fabric paint on the insides of their belt/shoes/bag/lockers/files/whatever they get their hands and fabric paint on

11. a) Decorating their possessions endlessly with various loud, garish and distasteful patterns, getting upset at their prior work when their moods change with the movement of various heavenly bodies, then trying to cover or eradicate all traces of their previous attempts and start again

11. b) Drawing cute pictures (flowers, cartoons, hearts, etc...) on each other's body parts (tighs, legs, hands, arms, palms, neck, face, etc...)

12. irc/icq/M$N/chat/Friendster (so desperate NS guys can ogle at their pictures)/other internet communication

12. a) Compulsive email forwarding syndrome, especially "cute", "sweet" or "meaningful" ones, where the probability of forwarding rises with the attachments' size, stupidity and/or how annoying they are

13. Long baths / long times in bathrooms, in addition to long changing times

14. Little notes on sparkly perfumed light purple paper with fluorescent pink ink, decorated with various grotesque shapes and entities

15. Perfecting printed handwriting (usually small / invisible) / writing in 'cute' font (or 6 different colours and pen tip sizes)

16. Silly and incomprehensible jokes/antics on guys (even other girls)

17. Giggling or laughing at everything and nothing / squealing (sometimes like small girls) (even over vegetables?) / yelping / screaming / shrieking (eg playing ball games - when they catch/throw the ball, when the ball comes near/almost hits them, when insects come near) / jumping up and down

17. a) Entering into interminable giggling fits with other girls

18. Ogling "cute" guys (often squealing) - In NJC, bored girls rate guys coming out of the toilets : '0', '10', '-5,', 'hopeless'. Sometimes, if they're bored they say the ratings out loud so the guys can hear / admiring other girls

19. comparing br****s, legs, hips, butts, waistlines and figures, and boyfriends' penis sizes when older

20. romance novels / sappy movies (giving girls false ideas about sex and love, leading to future disappointment and pain, being cheated on by AC guys and making them extremely screwed up)

21. Looking in the mirror / pretending that they're very chio (pretty)

21. a) Complaining about their body parts eg thighs are too fat, arms too big etc, when they stand in front of the mirror

22. "Nice" stuff as gifts for others which invariably takes a long time to make / staying up until 5 am to make little 'thank you' cards for everyone in their cca/class/both/everyone they know.. half of which get tucked into a corner and forgotten/throw away and trashed anyway

23. Extended periods of time locked in the bedroom performing unspeakable acts

24. Being fussy with food / destroying their digestive systems - being anorexic (3 fishballs for a meal!?), protein diet, prolonged detox, bingeing, sharing portions of food meant for 1 person with 1 or 2 other anorexic girls (eg 5 girls sharing 1 muffin), eating very often but very little each time, starving themselves for months at a time and then pigging out during sleepovers

25. Beautification - real or psychological (exfoliating scrub, toner, blue tracing paper [aka blotting paper], face/skin lightening cream, facials, nail polish, bust enhancement/implants, eyebrow shaping, revealing clothes, various other varieties of snake oil) and then feeling offended and objectified when men look at them admiringly. Either that or trying to look like a guy

26. Cooking (often not finishing the food)

26. a) Baking cakes/cookies/pastry and then complaining about how they're so lousy at it while the boys wolf everything up double quick.

27. Holding hands while waving and skipping / bouncing / bounding around

27. a) Holding another girl's hand and swinging it up and down repeatedly, like a swing

28. Whining / fretting that they're fat / look fat / have a big butt (despite weighing 30 kgs and eating less than a Somali on a diet) and professing to be willing to enter Obedience School (BMT) to shed the 23kg that I did, regardless of its horrors, while constantly reassuring other distraught girls that they themselves are stick-thin

28. a) Engaging in solipsistic arguments about how they're hungry but don't want to gain weight

28. b) Whining / fretting that they're ugly or have too many pimples while saying all their friends are pretty (even if they aren't in the first place; this is also done so by association they'll be considered pretty too) - in reality it's just a perverse game they play so people - especially distressed boyfriends - will assure them that they truly do look good

28. c) Deluding themselves into thinking that they're pretty or sexy

28. b) i) Constantly complaining that they are inferior and stuff about low-self esteem, but blowing up when you say something that is true about their weaknesses

29. Sparkle / milky / scented pens (sometimes with weird things attached to the end) / glitter

29. a) Conducting a pen parade - Laying out all their pens according to colour, brand, etc

30. Deciding what to wear (esp considering outfit + shoes)

31. Spending enormous amounts of time in front of music shops gazing at posters of the latest "cute" Jap singer

32. Devising lists to contribute to militant chauvinism / other acts against the dominant "oppressive" social order / being chauvinist

33. Spending hours in their rooms struggling with a needle and thread trying to raise the hem of their school skirt

34. Acting cute (often failing, sometimes grossing people out) eg making baby noises, pouting, posing etc

35. Taking endless repetitive character/personality tests or quizzes (or some other form of evaluation), sometimes more than once, despite their patent lack of predictive or explanatory value / evaluating their psyche / going for therapy and/or psychoanalysis to assuage their insecurities and bring some grounding into their lives

36. Fashion [disasters] (butt-hugging, butt-cheek-revealing hot shorts!!!, very short, ankle or even heel revealing hot socks, midriff baring outfits, especially when they are chubby, all manner of garish coloured outfits, appalingly coloured/designed sports bras, those horrible head scarfs [bandanas], gigantic hoop earrings, ghastly accessories).

37. Gushing over "touching" and/or "romantic" (read: mushy) stuff

38. Games involving one or more of the following: co-operation, co-ordination, hand movements and clapping. And inevitably, lots of giggling. (Eg: Strawberry Shortcake)

38. a) Playing games involving slapping/biting with each other

39. Compulsive photo-taking / photo-sticker disorder (Group shots in buses [2S06A'01], Andrew Gan eating a sundae pie, their meals [possibly to count calories and keep themselves going when they're starving themselves], group shots in the toilet, more than 40 pictures from just sitting at Raffles City's Starbucks for an hour), exchanging pictures

39. a) Self-taken pictures of themselves / themselves and their friends in funny poses when they're pretending that they're very pretty

40. Flirting with each other and generally acting completely lesbian when exclusively in the company of girls.

40. a) Touching / pulling / hugging / leading each other

41. Taking unearthly amounts of time to perform unspeakable acts in the toilet, usually together with other girls in toilet outings, and waiting for everyone to be done before leaving; in the meantime doing dumb things like splashing water, mashing toilet paper to throw on the ceilings, sometimes adding enough water to make them fall on their friends ('only netball girls do that'), gossiping and bitching endlessly and coming out hyperventilating and taking group photos; as a result of which, they waste 5 times as much time queuing for toilets as men

41. a) Trying to perfect the art of hover pissing because of the erroneous fear that they will catch something if they sit on the toilet seat. In the end they take three times as long but still end up dirtying the toilet seat (encouraging yet more women to hover-piss)

41. b) Freshening up every 10 minutes even where there is no need to

41. c) Shower outings because they're afraid that they'll be eaten by grues

42. Obsessing over trivialities (and getting angry over minor perceived transgressions) / being overly sensitive or petty (eg girls having a spat amongst themselves about how they shouldn't be friends because so-and-so didn't give so-and-so a Valentine's Day present)

42. a) Breaking up perfectly good friendships over some minor, trivial issue

43. Talking about / Shopping for extra clothes to fill the already burgeoning closet(s) / shoes to topple the overloaded shoe racks

44. Drawing up elaborate lists detailing their "ideal" man, including in them qualities such as "sensitive", "thoughtful", "caring" and "good listener" (ie They want a "nice guy") and exchanging them with other similarly emotionally disturbed girls, then falling head over heels in love with the first jerk, alpha male or lying bastard (ie The antithesis) who comes along

44. a) Describing their ideal man to their Intellectual Whore, not realising they're describing him to a tee, then going for jerks anyway.

44. b) Swearing to hate all guys forevermore after the latest jerk has cheated on them, then going for another jerk on their rebound anyway.

44. c) Confusing the hell out of all the men interested in them - what women want, what women say they want and what women think they want aren't always the same.

45. Being racked with indecision, vacillating constantly

46. Writing notes to people they already talk to (and/or see) everyday, often on free postcards, even if they are right next to them

47. Hugging files to their bosoms tightly (sometimes closing their eyes and shaking to and fro when they think no one is looking)

48. Practicing inane actions that they think make them attractive to boys, eg. Blinking, fluttering eyelids, batting eyelashs, sucking in their cheeks, swaying their hips

49. Breaking down inexplicably, taking the rest of their clique with them / "happy also cry, sad also cry"

50. Being squeamish over the littlest things

51. Boybands (ogling, fantasising, singing their songs, making fun of them [for those not totally caught up])

52. Taking forever to eat but never finishing their food (because they're full, on a diet, have played with their food till it becomes inedible or are multi-tasking)

53. Coming up with and struggling to keep to diet plans which they don't need in the first place

54. Dotting their 'i's and 'j's with hearts and circles

55. Carrying around a surfeit of stationery - eg 30 of the funny highlighter pens with a marker on one side, and a pen on the other / owning about a million bags + pencil cases + wallets (purses) + handphone covers to match their mood/clothes/bedsheets/room color/menstrual flow and what not

56. Naming/giving life to their stuff (eg sweaters, female figures on carousels)

57. Talking / complaining about their periods (according to Melvin)

58. Talking about virginity and also on the subject of losing it - when (also according to Melvin) (confirmed by a girl)

59. Talking about guys
60. Getting presents for people for the most trivial reasons / occasions

61. Playing with each other's hair (One day in the RJ canteen, I saw some J2s girls: one's hair was being braided into 2 pigtails by 3 others and 4 spectators looked on), bouncing or tugging fringes and ponytails

62. In RGS, the girls watch sunrises through school windows

63. Carrying around [miniscule] [hand]bags which can barely hold anything

64. Complaining about guys and expecting them to be as screwed up as they are

65. Playing the guessing game, leading to mutual hurt, distrust and vituperation:
A: I'm pissed with you
B: What's wrong?
A: If you don't know what's wrong, I shan't tell you!

66. Discussing weird stuff eg whether they sleep naked

67. Attaching bells, mini-soft toys or assorted dangling things to their bags, ankles or mobile phones

68. Hurting or mutilating themselves when they're stressed, bored, depressed or have just been dumped (pricking, cutting and the like)

69. Talking about those inanely pervasive soap(opera)s. The type that can get really confusing if you don't watch them.

70. Faking cramps so they don't have to do PE

70. a) In pinafored schools, faking that they're not wearing a bra so they don't have to do PE

71. Being kiddy

72. Acting Bimbo

72. a) Being butch to gain popularity

73. Fawning over babies / animals

74. Quarrelling/catfight/"friendly bickering" over stupid pens or the like

75. Moving in pairs (sometimes packs)

76. Getting green eyed when they see a prettier girl, pretending to fawn on her and later backstabbing her

77. Reading/watching Yaoi (and other sorts of manga and anime) and writing fan fiction (usually slash) and drawing fan art, despite Japs being portrayed as either mindless, brooding or psychotic (or a combination of the above) (This entry is specifically dedicated to Yaoi Girl :) )

78. Nagging persistently (exemplified by most grandmothers and mothers)

79. Trying to matchmake their friends (most popular among those already attached)

80. Being insecure and paranoid

81. In St Margaret's, the girls make a game of ripping each other's ties off, thus releasing the zips of the blouses which fall some way, depending on how hard the ties are pulled

82. Professing their love to each other and asking their friends if they love them too. If their friends say no, they get angry.

82. a) Forming families with a mother, father, brother, sister, hubby, darling, maid, pet turtle, pet dog, pet cat, neighbour, sister in law and brother in law and such because they were emotionally abused as children and need a support network, where one's role is dependent on one's looks/behavior/sexual orientation. Eg dogs whine and cats are annoying

83. Having a compulsive, morbid fascination with the colour Pink

84. Cakes and pictures and more cakes and more pictures at every juncture/occasion/whatever reason they can think of

85. Forming cliques and swearing loyalty, then chatting and screaming and talking about their boyfriends so loudly anyone can hear them anyway

86. Complaining they have no money and then blowing 50 bucks on new clothes that they don't need

87. Spending hours and hours cutting and pasting pictures of their friends and pasting them into collages in their folders... Then throwing them away to start a new collage again, destroying perfectly good pictures of people in the process

88. Mutilating/wasting their diaries when they change their boyfriend and can't stand seeing their ex boyfriend's name in the diary

89. Making people wait. And wait.

90. Practicing being/pretending to be ignorant about certain things (usually involving dirty work: changing tyres, light-bulbs, etc) so that guys will be duped into helping them.

90. a) Waiting for help to arrive rather than helping themselves: when guys are around, suddenly being incapable of doing the simplest things for themselves at all, eg getting a straw

91. Reading lists like this so they can flame the author :)

91. a) Write extensive rants about lists they were offended by, such as this one, nitpicking each and every sentence with spelling/grammar-error filled rebuttals such as "omg ur teh fagit cos u hate womyn", and "men ar like soooooooooooooooo dum". Often, the rants end up being much longer than the list itself.

92. Walking ridiculously slowly, often being distracted by frivolous/trivial things along the way, and so ending up taking twice as long to do something as is necessary.

93. Singing nonsensical little ditties that they make up

94. Making either a) pastel coloured blogs with lots of pictures of cute stuffed toys and hearts, exclamation marks, animated gifs/marquees, horrific grammar and observations about boys who are "very cuuuutte... but mi scared to tok to him lor.. nvr see b4... teeheehee" or b) pastel or red-and-black blogs with strange titles on each entry "lace bleeding along my thighs" / "whimsical rhapsodies playing in my cranium" and general moody bitching that comes straight ouf ot a Tori Amos song.

95. Taking neoprints of themselves and their friends in every possible factorial combination. (eg. 3 friends will take 6 neoprints to represent all the possible positions - ABC, ACB, BAC, BCA, CAB, CBA)

95. a) Pasting said neoprints all over their calculators and files.

96. Spending hundreds of dollars to change their hairstyle to make them look completely different and then getting offended when people don't recognise them anymore.

97. Spending that much extra time to ensure that every inch of their handphone covers are festooned with neoprints and hello kitty stickers, configuring true tunes for individual callers, downloading logos, only to replace their phone a month later, usually on parents/boyfriend's largesse.

98. Watching patiently and nodding as you explain to them how to perform IT related tasks such as burning things onto CDs or configuring desktop settings, and saying "yes i know" to your repeated admonitions, only to call you for help the very second you're out of sight.

99. Spending all their time making lucky chatterboxes/flower games/lotus flowers/Guan Yin Ma's Seat /cootie catcher (those folding things we played with as kids, the ones which usually have some "fortune" written on a petal and you open and close it to some jingle and then pick one petal to "open"?) - actually writing all the fortunes themselves and then getting pissed off when they pick one they didn't like.

100. An unending preoccupation with marriage/fantasising about marriage

100. a) Adopting the last name of each new boyfriend that comes along and writing it all over notebooks and folders in nothing other than sparkle pens and girly fonts etc...

100. b) Adopting their favourite celeb's name - Mrs Carter was in for 5 years, and Mrs Di'Caprio for 2, even using them on the radio, and coming up with names for their kids

101. Reading tabloids and/or watching celebrity shows, making lengthy discussions about them as though they were breakthroughs in science.

102. Plotting tactics for winning arguments with men. But wait a minute. Men never do the talking in the arguments anyway, nor do they start them.

103. Watching taped episodes of reality TV shows, sometimes pausing the scenes to "capture the essence".

104. Buying and listening to "music" made by the latest popstar on MTV, BET, VH1, Disney, or other mind-rotting TV channel.

105. Arguing with people over their taste in music, because the other party listens to a music genre they don't like.

106. Buying expensive or exotic food that they will not eat, and arguing with anyone who finally eats the food because they "planned on eating it later".

107. Spending in excess of 100 dollars on soaps, lotions, and bathroom ornaments that can be easily bought at a local dollar store.

108. Signing up for credit cards, using them all up on fashion and other useless junk, and crying about having no money to pay back the loan sharks who call them regularly. Then they'll still blow their income on said fashion and useless junk.

109. Making expansive hand gestures repeatedly

110. Imputing undue importance to certain essentially meaningless dates (eg First pet's death anniversary, conjunction of certain designated heavenly bodies, day and time of first hickey given by boyfriend), then kicking up a big fuss if they are not adequately commemorated

110. a) Imputing undue importance to certain essentially meaningless facts about themselves (eg Volume of flow, crests of biorhythms, favourite texture of parquet), then kicking up a big fuss if they are not remembered

111. Analysing and cross-analysing in excruciating detail the words and actions of others, often reading into them implicit meanings that don't actually exist, and seeing daggers where there are none (which explains why girls like to do Literature)

112. Using PMS and their gender as excuses to get things/get away with things.

113. Talking in great detail about menstrual cycles and the like, just to gross guys out

114. The adoration of boys who look like girls. See F4, 5566, Orlando Bloom as Legolas, etc.

114. a) A subset of this is reading Japanese manga where the males are distinguishable only by their slightly narrower eyes and wider jaws. And inevitably, these manga will feature falling flower petals and sparkling eyes at some point or the other.

115. Being fag hags. If a girl is a fag hag, she will start up on every single straight-identifying man in the vicinity by asking loaded questions like, "Come on. Would you sleep with a guy if you really had to?" and then proclaiming they are either gay and/or in denial. Then she'll start matchmaking even straight guys together. See: Yaoi/slash fangirl.

115. a) Being a fag hag hopelessly in love with a gay man, and gushing about him all the time to her gal pals who think she's crazy... while rejecting advances from straight guys and then complaining she cant get a boyfriend

116. Being passive-aggressive. "I'm not mad at you. Really. ...WTF YOU ARE SO ANNOYING OMG."

117. Making fun of guys who indulge in anything from the above list. And using metrosexual as an insult.

118. Dabbing and shaking off the salt from french fries because otherwise it's "too fattening"

119. Entering Pavlovian fits of ecstasy when they see a food they like (eg Brownies, Takopachi, Cheescake, Tiramisu), then, after gorging on them, complaining about weight gain and the need to exercise.

120. Keeping letters in their wallets. Loveletters, friend letters, secret letters. They're all there.

121. Finding (often lame) reasons to meet up with each other to reaffirm their sacred feminine bond of friendship by giggling at cute waiters

122. Laughing at really lame jokes

123. Whining about men not being chivalrous or gentlemanly while refusing to conform to archaic and sexist notions of proper gender behavior themselves

124. Using physical appearance as a proxy for self-worth

124. a) Assuming others use their physical appearance as proxies for their valuations of them

125. Asking their significant others questions which have no right answer. eg "Am I fat?", "Does my butt look big in this?"

126. Living life by the adage: 'If you have it, flaunt it. If you don't, bitch about those who do.'

127. Peppering stupid symbols such as "<3" and "%" all over blogs and tagboard messages.

128. Backstabbing other girls and then later complaining that they hate backstabbers.

129. Holding grudges against other girls for half their lifetimes over petty issues like forgetting to flush the toilet; women are like elephants - they never forget

130. Writing/reading fanfiction to vicariously live out their fantasies.

131. Appending "-ie and -y" to everyone's names, nouns, random objects. such as "debbie, dawnie, sabby, joey" and "classie, doggie, baggie" to be cute.

Men VS Women

And if you think I am wrong, here are some supporting evidence of society's unfairness towards us MEN.

Men VS Women

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist pig; if you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never time for her; if you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring, repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation; if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp; if you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don’t, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are sexist. If you don’t, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don’t, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself. If you’re not, you have no ambition.

If she has a headache, she is tired; if you have a headache, you are gay.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don’t, you’re gay.

--Gene Simmons
Sex, Money, Kiss

"I ARE TEH JAPANESE MAN!"

Taka: Japanese men do not help with this
Algren: [grabs firewood basket] I am not Japanese

The above is an exchange that happens in The Last Samurai, when Algren (Tom Cruise) sees Taka carrying a heavy firewood basket and rushes forward to help her. The setting was 1876, abt 130 years ago. Fast forward to modern day Japan. I'm sure Japanese men STILL do not help with that. However, I think that the reason has changed. They are too busy watching anime and reading manga, being otaku [nerds]. And the people who "am not Japanese", well, they continued helping.

WHAT? YOU DONT BELIEVE ME?

Look around you. If ure a girl, look beside you at ur boyfriend. If you are a guy, look at yourself or the guy beside you who has a girlfriend.


Instead of firewood baskets, we they have evolved, like all living things in nature, and now... we carry these.

And to make things worse, some of our girlfriends don't even carry nice bags like these. And in response to the govt's constant call for a higher birthrate, let me ask them a question. Where got time? We're busy carrying handbags!

So guys, next time your girlfriend hands you her handbag, push her away gently and say: "I ARE TEH JAPANESE MAN!"

Disclaimer: The above words represent the author's ranting and he does not care whether you agree with him. If you don't, you are most probably wrong. If you agree, give yourself a pat on the back.

irrelevance

That is so irresistably cute lah please.

In other news, today we commemorate one of the greatest occasions in human history, for today is the day that is after the day that is two days before tomorrow!



Also, today, the apple pie chart: A winning presentation. The above-shown apple pie chart was shown in a presentation by AppleBee's to the FDA in a bid to convince FDA on the nutritional value of their apple pies. However, the FDA representative was quick to admonish on AppleBee's misrepresentation of statistics, and personally reduced the figures from the original 50% to the current 25%, as shown in the apple pie chart. Hope this helps you for your upcoming maths A levels! and klarissa teh my inequalities notes!!!!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away??!?

I dont know why we chose this title for our blog but i suppose it has something to do with mr peh's obsession with cats and such. While most people are counting down to their freedom (aka end of As), I am counting down to the end of my freedom instead. In case you haven't found out, I will be undergoing the SAF Weightloss programme from 8th dec. Maybe I'll even become their spokesman after that. Right. But that's not the main point of my ceaseless ranting. Let's take a look at one of the old cliches that we've heard since we were teeny weeny young toddlers.. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Now there might seem to be nothing wrong in that, and it might even sound true. But being the scientifically and mathematically trained student I am, I decided to test the null hypothesis by eating only an apple a day and nothing else, as the statement suggests. I will not bog you down by showing you the detailed workings. It will suffice for you to know that.....

AN APPLE A DAY.... MAKES THE FATS GO AWAY, with 95% confidence interval too!


*Note: The author does not encourage the above actions as a healthy way of losing weight. However, if you are already unhealthy to start with, there is no harm in trying it out.