powder bath

SAF: "Because our soldier must be equipped with the sense of urgencies" <--- pardon the gramar

pardon the spelling too.

like my fellow co-author, i have not been replying smses, although this is partially due to the fact that my phone doesnt receive 90% of the smses sent to it while its off.

hello shens, as shifu has already said, patience is a virtue. for example, we hurried and hurried on the last day of field camp, did about 3 hours work in 1 hour, ate breakfast while covering our graves, and went to the battleground to wait 3 hours for our turn. =)

valuable lessons learnt from field camp!

1) gravediggers are the most physically fit people ever. seriously, digging a trench about 30 cm deep has destroyed my hands, my legs, my back, and took me about 24 hours.

2) everything we do is interpreted as testing the system. for example, we aren't supposed to litter, so when the commanders find a small scrap of wrapper, they fall all of us in in full battle order and demand to know if we are trying to test the system. then they fuck us over.

2LT : (company name) <--- censored due to the millions of threats we have received about naming army stuff on our blogs
Us : YES SIR
2LT : (company name)
Us: YES SIR
2LT : YOU ALL FUCKING HELL WANT TO TEST SYSTEM IS IT?
Us: NO SIR
2LT: I TOLD YOU ALL FUCKING A LOT OF TIMES DON'T FUCKING LITTER RIGHT?
Us : YES SIR
2LT : THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (holds up a small scrap of paper)
Us : ....
2LT : ALL DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER IS IT? FUCKING HELL KNOCK IT DOWN
Us : *clapclap* (company name)
2LT : I TOLD YOU ALL DON'T FUCKING TRY AND TEST SYSTEM WITH ME, YOU ROGER THAT?
Us : YES SIR
2LT: YOU FUCKING HELL ROGER THAT??
Us : YES SIR
2LT : CARRY ON

As you can see, we have approximately 2 answers for about every question that is posed to us. Thinking soldiers indeed.

3) Powder bath is the most hilarious thing you will ever see in your life. Never will you see 49 boys in their underwear, holding a rifle each, and looking as white as a ghost. After which, we all sing "THIS IS MY RIFLE" and hold it over our heads, "THIS IS MY GUN" and thrust our crotch out, "THIS IS FOR FIGHTING" and wave our rifle around, "THIS IS FOR FUN" and wave our crotch around, followed by ONE TWO CHECK CLEAR, then we all pull the elastic strap of our underwear and release it, and powder billows out of your underwear. If no powder billows out, you powder bath again.

I'm actually way too tired to blog much now, so I'll save more incidents for my next post because im going to sleep now

shen, please do understand that patience is a good virtue. especially if you are in the army. because we rush to wait, and wait to rush. one classic situation would be....

Sgt: "I GIVE U ALL ONE MINUTE EVERYTHING ON AND FALL IN OUT HERE!"

- Recruits scramble out from their current positions and grab their LBV (Load Bearing Vest, or SBO aka skeletal battle order. dont worry u noobs. i will explain what it means further on in this article) and put on their helmets, slinging their rifles on and perhaps even try to throw their 10-15kg fieldpack on without losing balance. then, they will run, or at least throw their weight forward and reach the fall in place (hopefully) on time -

Sgt: "You all like to take ur own sweet time issit! 7 (or number as applicable) weeks in BMT already, still cannot fall in on time issit! Want me to F*** you all issit!"

Recruits: "NO SERGEANTTTTT!"

Sgt: "THEN? -2sec break- I give you all one last chance understand!?"

Recruits: "YES SERGEANTTTT!"

Sgt: "Ok whole lot on ur butts down!"

- Recruits sit down and stone until further instructions are given. If you are lucky, the waiting time is rather short, about 5 mins or so, if not, well just wait lah! -

Sometimes i wonder why dont they lengthen the time allocated for our movement and shorten the waiting time. You want the typical SAF answer? Are you sure? Can you answer me yes or no?

SAF: "Because our soldier must be equipped with the sense of urgencies" <--- pardon the gramar.

Of course, while the new recruits are adapting to their newly shaven heads and army life, the senior recruits have found more interesting-er things to do on the sunny islands of tekong. in case u didnt spot the mistake, tekong is considered an island, not islands. Your author here set off on his field camp during the course of this week, which explains his lack of replies to YOUR smses and inability to pickup ur calls. simply because you were not impt enuff the sergeants kept our phones.

And if you think being in the army trains us to be real men (quoted from some particular papans, which again is singular), think again. Here's my observations from my experience during field camp.

#1 - If you are a real man, why do you have to wake ur buddy up to go to the toilet with you at night? Going to the toilet in groups or at least in pairs simply reeks of girlishness to me. What, go to the toilet to gossip abt the sergeant and how cute he is ah? -_-

#2 - "Real men" like us wear make up too. Except while most girls put on makeup to stand out from the crowd, we put on ours to blend into the surrounding jungle flora. i.e. CAMO CREAM. its fking expensive ok one tube $2.50+ and pple like me who sweat alot need to touch up the makeup quite often each day... And if you kena the 1minute (the time varies frm 1-5minutes) drill before you finish washing off the cream back in ur bunk's toilet, you look like you are wearing mascara. (how the hell do u spell that word?)

#3 - I used to think that only girls went on diet and watched their weight. Sadly, I've joined the weight conscious club. Issuing us 4 X 24hrs worth of combat rations is crap. Firstly, nobody eats more than 1 X 24hrs worth of food during the field camp that lasts 5 or 6 days. Usually you are too tired or not in the mood to eat, and the food simply sucks so much you start missing the cookhouse food. (It's all a ploy to make the cookhouse food seem tasty). On top of this indirectly imposed diet, obese recruits like yours truly get confined in camp if my weight increases. SO WE HAVE TO GO "EEEEEEEEEW! THE CHICKEN SKIN SO FATTENING!" -but say already still put into my mouth, chew and swallow lah! siao dont waste food leh!-

#4 - SPAs are no longer for females only. It's official. Because of the rain, the camp sites have become make shift mudbaths that we roll,crawl,sit,eat,sleep,squat,stand,liedown in. If you are lucky, your commanders will give you a very fun command like "WHOLE LOT KNOCK IT DOWN!" -actually the only thing you knock down is yourself lah. pushup also muz give fancy commands- and u will hear alot of splattering sounds as people scramble into the pushup position, sometimes inadvertedly kicking some mud into the face of the poor guy behind him... So, we get mud baths and mud masks. free treatment FTW!

#5 - We carry more things than we need, and squeeze them into a bag that doesnt allow for so much capacity. And then we complain but do nothing about it.

#6 - We wear bras. OKOK just joking, dont need to give me that face as though the sky just fell down. LBV aka Load Bearing Vest, The Bra for all new NSmen. We have to adjust the straps until they fit snugly on us, or when we run around, things will start bouncing (all our equipment on the vest lah stop thinking pervertedly) and it will be super uncomfortable. However, it is comforting to note that the LBVs are one size fit all! =p

#7 - We clutch our rifles close to us (especially at night when the sergeants are too busy trying to steal rifles to sleep) just like how girls clutch their handbags tightly to prevent them from being snatched away when we are off guard. If our rifles are stolen, we get confined for at least one weekend.

#8 - Klar, dont worry, your favourite hobby has been picked up by some of the people in my company. Sgt: "PLATOON 4 FALL IN NOW!" - some particular blurcock suddenly gets hit by reality. "SHIT! I HAVEN CHANGE!" - As such, instead of

Sgt: "THEN? -2sec break- I give you all one last chance understand!?"

You usually see this...

Sgt: "THEN? -2sec break- WHOLE LOT KNOCK IT DOWN!"

- Recruits, being enthusiatic about army life, starts fervently carrying out the punishment, which is almost standard 20 counts of pushup -

(after abt 10 counts)

Sgt: "I got give you all permission to carry on issit?"

Rec: "NO SERGEANT!!!" -awkward pauses- "PERMISSION TO CARRY ON SERGEANT!"

Sgt: "Carry on" <--- although he says carry on, what he means is to restart from ZERO. not carry on from where you stopped. Note the amazing way they phrase things in the army. Wait. It's we, not they. WE.

Sometimes, after standing for a period of time, ur legs start to feel lazy, and if u are standing near or next to a wall, there is a human tendency to lean against/on it. Army people are not exception.

-My blog co-author

Indeed, army people are not exception, especially from grammar rules.

In continuation of my literary exploits, here is a poem on National Service, from talkingcock.com!


Native, born on native soil
Raised till eighteen, made to toil
To defend a tiny land
That’s the Singaporean man

On enlistment, BMT
Sergeant scold your family
Meet your Encik, CSM
The company’s stupid man

They’ll take you into a room
One man over many loom
Then you must prepare to swear
For this island always wear

Colour green and nothing more
Admin, PT and smart 4
They will strip you to the core
Fear not you’re the nation’s whore

They’ll give you a gunnysack
Change you into vest and slacks
2 years of your life they’ll take
You to hell until you break

Be prepared you new found dog
They’ll make you wash and unclog
Urinals and other stuff
2 years are more than enough

In this life you’ll never find
Better times to lose your mind
Welcome whore and please don’t cry
You’re already sworn to die

And now for the real training
So what if it’s still raining?
During war is there Cat. 1?
Dog, don’t ever lose your gun.

Learn to march and learn to sing
Songs that do not have meaning
But don’t stop or wonder why
You’re an idiot now green guy

Brains don’t work in this army
It runs in Lee’s family
Meet your rifle, your new wife
She’s your friend, your foe, your life

Strip her tenderly with care
Or sergeant will screw you there
Here’s your SBO and helm
You’re now warrior of the realm

Honor, pride and glory be,
Bring this country harmony
Smelling like a mad wild boar
Dolled up in your goddamn 4

In the bus or up a train,
People may smell and complain
“Chow peng kia! They’re so smelly
All the botak so ugly.”

Hang in there don’t be let down
You’re protector of the crown
Sergeants you must look up to
All the training they’ve been through

They KNOW they have seen the world
To them you’re a baby girl
Like lions they are inside
They’re just pussy cats outside

Think that SISPEC made you good?
Come on let’s try prison food
All these street smart wannabes
Grew up eating mommy’s peas

Educated know all jacks
That is why they’re all called SPECS
Think a sergeant’s hard to be?
Wanna come try RTC?

Yes you’re somebody down here
Recruits look at you and fear
Grow up! Naïve simple man
In this army brains don’t stand

PC! PC! You’re a Sir
Back in JC you’re a blur
Born with glasses nerdy whore
Never seen the world before

Mostly from rich families
High class bastard wannabes
Given a commissioned rank
All the sex you know is wank

Well-to-do here on this earth
Riches given you at birth
Those who get to OCS
They think they’re the very best

Poor forlorn misgiven soul
Life’s about mommy’s control

Now about the Regulars
These guys think they’re the coolest
Smart 4 hanging in the car
Trying to show off a bar

This lame dot is green enough
More green doesn’t make you tough
Living off the taxpayers
They’re fantastic soothsayers

“I swear to die for this land
I swear to serve useless man
My life I put down for thee
But for now you must pay me
Give me more off and flexi
Please grant me rank and money
I swear I am not a fake
I’ll choose death and won’t forsake
My tag may make me a dog
I love to suck CO’s cork
I am but a simple man
Live and die just for my land”

To them NSF are dogs
Idiots meant to do shit jobs
Given to fulfil a cause
Treat them like you’d treat a horse

Overworked and underpaid
We don’t blame it on our fate
We are proud to serve this land
Obeying unfaithful man

We must salute officers
All commissioned regulars
We address them all as Sirs
Just amazing, these soldiers
Instilling a sense of pride
Hunks that for this land would fight
They look so fierce in smart 4
So fierce I can’t wait for war

Wish I were the enemy
Catch all officers I see
Chain up all these cheap dog whores
Make them do NSF chores

Without taxes what are you?
Life would not be green but blue
Stuck with Japanese Hondas
Never Continental cars

Next are Majors and Kernels
At the top are Generals
Men so great we seldom see
Living life exclusively

Years they spent serving this land
Dogs, oops! I meant moral man
Talented at golf and darts
Handing out donation cards

“Give or sign extra duty
You are aiding charity”
So we donate once or twice
Call us stupid we’ve no choice
But at the end of the day
Who’s the one who gets to say

“All this happened ‘cos of me
I’ve done proud for charity
I’m Kernel of my country
Funds were raised because of ME!”

Strange, more cards just keep coming
Why do they keep on giving?
Do they think we work for free?
One month we make 350!

Wonder if they donate too,
Wonder where the funds go to.
NSFs we take the shame
We donate, they get the fame

What is this atrocious sham?
Do they have pride left in them?
For the high ranks you receive
Blow jobs many you did give

I’m sorry but ain’t it true?
Sucked until your face turned blue
Which army in history
Controlled by a nerd sissy

Would sign rubbish and then claim
“See! SAF helps the lame!”
Why O such a shameful act
Do you not know fake from fact?

If indeed you are so nice
Why not give us back our lives!
You take and you use us well
Parading your sun burnt hell

Doll us up in green like fools
Make us carry heavy stools
While your offices they sit
On their sofas and repeat

“I now go for my tea break
Heard officer mess got cake.
After you finish the chairs
Help me mop the floors and stairs
Go my office later on
Help me turn on the air con
Later I got visitor,
Boh pian, I am officer
Work so hard and earn so less
Still must buy my girlfriend dress
4k one month where enough?
Always chiong sua siebeh tough
Save so little in the bank
Hope to faster up my rank.”

Are these really commanders?
Are they really our warriors?
Could one ever imagine,
If in war how we would win?

Long 4, rifle, SBO
Splitting image of bodoh
Guard this island of the seas?
We need guarding from the Lees!

Loving westerners so much
Against us locals – have a grudge?
If not for this surname Lee,
We won’t have to serve army

Place where nerds have a say
Nerds who make us pay and pay
On the world map this country
Beautiful as it may be
Is but just a tiny worm
Even smaller than my sperm

Taxpayers! Why face such scorn?
Specially those with male born
Open your eyes wide and see
Your son’s 2 years in army

Saluting like he’s a jerk
People who cannot find work
Proper jobs that they won’t need
Taxpayers upon whom they will feed

Support peasants that’s one fact
But against your son they’d act
If he’s caught when he chao keng
By these government ah bengs

Futures they have very far
Dream of Porsches in their Kias
Why support such ill ingrates?
Men who dress and act like apes

They’d make Privates, Corporals, Men
Sai kang warriors of the land
Dogs that we are for this land
Thus the woes of NS Men.

New recruits are funny

Looking at the new recruits really make me laugh. I believe i wasnt so amusing when i was still a new recruit. Sadly unlike randy's platoon, I dont get creative punishments. They just find creative reasons to punish us. That's for later though, for now we will delve into some of the amusing sights spotted in bmtc.


#1 - [Flag lowering music played by the band] (in the army, the flag raising and lowering is done with the band playing the music. at that time, everyone is to come to attention and keep still there, otherwise known as diam)

Being the new blurcocks on the block, some new recruits decided to show us that they were really good at acting as wax figures.

[in the cookhouse when the music sounded] Sergeants: "KEEP STILL THERE!" Old recruits all come to attention and stop eating, or put their trays on the table and stood at attention. New recruits..... continue walking at a super slow pace looking side to side cautiously, as though admiring the statues in a museum. I dont blame them though, I had a hard time trying to hold my laughter in when i saw some of their fellow new recruits. Holding their tray with the following items - plate of rice and food, bowl of soup, and fruit, they decided to show that their fore arms were strong and kept still while holding their trays. Other new recruits had fruits stuck in their mouth or cutlery dangling from their mouths.

HELLO IS THIS HOW U WOULD BEHAVE AT A FLAG LOWERING/RAISING CEREMONY!?!?!?!?!?!

#2 - Circus acts

As a new recruit, you get issued with the necessary essentials (note the army engrish) when you enlist e.g. the boots, uniforms, pt attire, admin attire, LBV (load bearing vest), shoes, sandals, and alot of other stuff. All these come in 2 packages. The field pack and the duffel bag. According to my memory the total weight of these should be about 15-20kgs. So it can be quite a hassle to move ur things around, especially since u brought in a bag of ur own with ur own personal items, and in the rain too.

In order to look cool and move fast still, some have decided to make the duffel bag behave as a sling bag, by slinging it across their shoulders instead of wheeling it on the floor. As such, when their sergeants say "DOUBLE UP AND CATCH UP!" we see a bunch of clowns wobbling and swaying from side to side as they run and try to keep up with the rest. So much for being thinkers leaders and pioneers. It is seriously a funny sight watching those skinny asses trying to keep their balance. My advice to anyone who has not enlisted is to NOT bring in a bag exceeding 3-4kg in weight. You seriously dont need anything the beach road auntie tells u, at least not until ur confinement weeks is over. so dont kiasu and kill urself. if u bring in 20kg of stuff, plus the issued 20kg, ur weight effectively changes from 60kg to 60+40=100kg, suddenly qualifying u for the Eagle company aka elephant squad. Imagine having to climb 5 storeys up and trying to keep balance.

#3 - The following happens to some of the old recruits as well.

Sometimes, after standing for a period of time, ur legs start to feel lazy, and if u are standing near or next to a wall, there is a human tendency to lean against/on it. Army people are not exception. However, if you get spotted by a sergeant who is not very nice, the following punishment is meted out.

[Recruit puts both hands palms facing down on the wall]
Recruit: "HELP HELP THE WALL IS FALLING!"

if anyone walks past and looks too closely, he will in turn be asked to take over for being so "helpful" and kaypo. This repeats itself until the sergeant is satisfied.

ownage

with the new enlistees, we get to watch new recruits learn to march all over again!! entering the army and having your head shaved seems to imply you lose all your brains along with your hair.

for example, no normal person would march with both the right leg stepping forward and right hand swinging forward at the same time

army also has new, creative punishments

when a sergeant or sir asks you a question, you reply with YES / NO sir/sergeant.
however, being the singlish speaking singaporeans we are, we tend to say yah. to cure us of this habit, we have a wrong word punishment. if you reply with a yah, you go to the company line, ie to say the first floor of the company building and scream "YA YA PAPAYA ONE YA YA PAPAYA TWO" and so on until five.

also, when you knock it down, ie to say made to do pushups as punishment, normal companies ask for PERMISSION TO CARRY ON SIR / SERGEANT. in ours, we ask for PERMISSION TO ENJOY SIR or PERMISSION TO KEEP FIT SIR! and then he'll say ENJOY! in that weird sadistic tone of voice and you carry on twenty. ownage.

sadly, my platoon is nowhere as interesting as shifu's platoon, although we do have cases where people ask tons of stupid questions, but i'll go into that more tmr after i get back from my propaganda visit to the singapore discovery centre!

Who said that bimbos (like some of our friends) don't exist in the land of tekong?


Sometimes getting too serious can have adverse effects on the intended audience. For example...

[ In the army, whenever a commander speaks to you, you must reply in the format of ________, sir/sergeant etc. ]
One fine sunny day in the far away land of tekong, some joker decided that he must take initiative and greet one of the sirs.

Joker: PLATOOON DIAM! (come to attention) GOOD MORNING SIR!
Sir: Good morning
Joker: PERMISSION TO CARRY ON!
Sir: Carry on what?
Joker: Huh?
Sir: Huh ur head lah. Permission to carry on what?
Joker: Errrr... [looks around uneasily] PERMISSION TO CARRY ON STANDING UP!

*everyone present bursts out into uncontrollable laughter except the poor joker*


All he needed to say was "permission to carry on SIR!" but he took the question from SIR too seriously and screwed his sorry ass up. What a bimbo. -_-

To all the females scratching their heads while reading the past few entries, you have to bear with it. We as responsible citizens of tekong have to educate our male readers on life in tekong so that they will not end up like that joker as mentioned above. Thank you for your kind understanding. And if you still don't understand, just call Randy and he will explain it to you. Come on, spam him so that his hp will not have enuff batt to last the whole week!

new year, new discovery

(|nqbuss) i have no problem deciding what to do. if i'm hungry, i eat. if i'm tired, i sleep, if i need to user the bathroom, i use the bathroom, if none of the above, i sit in front of the computer

a great command-line process for me to live my life through the new year, although it probably needs some modification.

ifcmdgiven = true, "obey" else "sleep"

that probably sums up NS life. listen to what other people tell you to do, or if you havent been told to do anything, sleep.

Army quotes

"You all are trying to testing my patience is it? I can be very fucker to you all one know?"
"Nabeh cheebye, fuck you understand?"
"Do you all want to recover or go straight to the next exercise? "RECOVER SIR" "LANJIAO UNDERSTAND? Spiderpushups in postion NOW"
"The Tekong area got a lot of mice. Actually no, they are quite small one, yah, not mice, a lot of mouses"